Dear Train Gremlins - Don't stop believing!!!

This post is about the people that I have categorized as "train gremlins". What makes a train gremlin you ask? Let's define it.

train gremlin - (n) a person who either from circumstance or disposition cannot function in normal society, but seem to fit in just fine while in riding the New York Subway System.

Now I have seen a lot of train gremlins in the past week, but only a few that are really worth writing about. I will warn you, two of the four gremlins were "performers", so I apologize for anyone that might be offended.

Let's call the first one Creeper. So creeper was listening to some tunes, had an I heart NY shirt on, and looked like a 2-shower a week hipster, just enough to not have stink-dick in the case of emergency sex. He could have been attractive if he wasn't singing severely out of tune and making really weird faces at everyone he saw. He did have one redeeming quality with an immediate reaction to anyone who needed help i.e. he helped a blind man find stairs (we'll never know if he made it to where he was going though) and helped a girl who literally had four suitcases take them off the train. Unfortunately, he was literally staring down every girl's shirt who was in his vicinity.

Next would be Homeless Harry. Harry was a generic homeless guy in almost every way; he had covered himself in one of those grayish blankets, had a mile long mustache that moved on its own fruition, what I'm assuming was a dead cat in a black plastic bag, and the kind of eyes any good schizophrenic homeless guy would have. What made him an oddity was the NINTENDO DS that he pulled out of his pocket!!! This dichotomy was extremely disconcerting to me, but no one else on the entire train car noticed. He was using a stylus made from a twig that I'm sure he whittled using the knife he hides in his butt for emergency shanking....

Then there was Superstar. Superstar kind of came out of nowhere, in that he started off as just a normal weirdo who was signing to himself quietly. Then with out warning, he broke out into full performance mode, starting with unsupported whistle tones and then leading into the verse which the sonic quality could be equated to a bear rapping a cow. This thankfully was noticed by the entirety of the train, so I didn't feel alone on this one. Just when I thought that he couldn't get any more odd, he stood up and started dancing around as if he was in a music video.....he brushed his shoulders off. The only thing that made it better was the horde of five year old girls (who by the way were wearing awesome princess tiaras and outfits!) that were laughing hysterically at the man. I'm still waiting for his record deal.

Lastly....but certainly not least, would be Asian Pirate. Let me set the stage for you. I had just gotten on the train with my friend Katherine when I spotted a real find across the way. An Asian man,wearing a coat that had jack sparrow level cuffs and leather seams where the buttons were. He was also dead.


OK he wasn't dead but I was pretty sure he was for the 3 minutes that he lay motionless on the seat with his eyes rolling back into his head. What happened next is not for the faint of heart.

Just when I was convinced that his last days on the train were coming to an end, he jerks up and bends over himself to prepare for something that I think everyone can imagine. I was terrified, nay horrified that he would let loose all over me and my companions. Instead, he seemed to create some sort of siphon with his mouth, only spewing a steady stream of gross that I would equate to sap dripping from a tree.....I'm also pretty sure some of it went back in....

I saw all of these people in the same day if you can believe it. I know I can't. The only thing that would make this story complete is if they were all in the same place and became the next big boy band.

LOVES AND STRUGGS
B DANN