Sorry for the wait. I have to give myself a couple of days to recuperate from the debauchery that was the iPhone 4 launch. Let me start by saying that I have a strong appreciation for Apple. Maybe it is because they provided me with paychecks. Or maybe it's because I want to check my Facebook no matter where I am. It could even be that Aliens owned by Disney (in turn owned by steve jobs) came into my home and implanted a brain chip into my.....brain.....that would only allow me to think extremely positive things about apple.
Also, having worked for Apple retail, I though I had a pretty close grasp on what the situation would be like on launch day. You know, presidents kissing babies, awesome strippers dancing on the glass front.....wait I mean lines of about 2-3 hours and tons of Apple specialists being really excited that we are getting phones before them.......my mind wondered. Maybe it's the chip.
So I decided Wednesday to go back to Connecticut, which if you haven't been there.....don't. It's nicknamed Newyorkachusetts for a reason. I'm from there, struggles aside, and thought it would be cool for me and my mom to get iphones on launch day. WOOF. BAD IDEA. Instead of actually recounting the drudgeries of how big a struggle it was waiting in line for 17 HOURS, I decided to make this post a literary enterprise to lighten the mood. Think the Canterbury Tales, but in a mall....and gay.
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Enter the Knight (that's me because OBVI!) and his loving mother (I didn't want to give my mom an outlandish character because everyone else I'm writing about that has a character will be written about offensively...and I love my mama so back yourself up!)
Along the engorged path (hahahaha), he sees not a bit of grass. Only the peons and their empty hearts standing in trenches, waiting for what was thought to be the next HOLY GRAIL. HOLY GRAIL 2!
Finally, after what seemed like 7 Cher years (25 in real years), he happened upon a lowly group of individuals who hadn't made Holy Grail reservations either because the server was down. There was the toothless whore with a heart of gold. She informed everyone in the trenches that she indeed had 14 children. Not all of them were birthed from her giving womb, for not even she could create so much life. She did have many words of wisdom throughout the journey, though only wise to her. The smallest child, one not from her most glorious and toothless uterus, was by her side. Accompanying her was her bar wench. Apparently, she had just returned from the physician where she was partaking in the Test of Stress. Perhaps an inopportune time to be in the trenches the knight thought.
A little further in front of the Knight was a respected tooth doctor surrounded by three Danish children that were quite possibly hers. The knight had been suffering from ghost pains in his jaw (GAY JOKES ASIDE) and requested the Doctor give him advice. Telling him nothing he hadn't heard from obviously more qualified Doctors, she soon informed the party that she had house guests to accommodate and "just simply had to leave".
Others followed suite and it was here that things got interesting. First, the Knight was offered many food and beverages from blue clad clergyman coming from the temple. Although the Knight was happy to be satiated, it seemed odd that these men and women weren't helping people get to the grail.
After several hours of what seemed like nothingness, the Knight veered around a corner and happened upon a new group of travelers. He, the toothless whore and her cohorts (who had miraculously grown by two more members) encountered a weary bunch. There was the baker who seemed nothing short of ashamed that we was indeed a baker. The Knight assumed he was a closeted "gentle" man, and the Knight was very rarely wrong about those things. Then there was the asian apprentice....and apprentice to all things because she knew very little. The knight also thought it strange how much she slept while in the trenches. "Disgusting", he thought.
Not too far beyond them were the sister queens and the mad Cowwoman. The sister queens were not actually sisters or queens in fact. But they carried a portable throne, and soon realized a throne shared is better than no throne at all. The blond one was ugly. Their Cowwoman had the legs of a cow and the torso of an obliterating woman who would soon become an important player in our story.
Of course no party would be complete without the blundering barbarian. Simpleton he was, though he carried a magical box that showed him images of the future. The Knight thought it a tragedy that such a hole-creature could harness such a wonderful device.
And then there was the jester. The Knight didn't necessarily appreciate the touchy humor that the Jester had, but he appreciated his company nonetheless. However, as the quest continued and trenches turned into fields, the Jester showed his true colors. Almost out of nowhere, the Jester remembered that he had indeed reserved a HOLY GRAIL 2! He promptly situated himself in the new line, and waited for his chance to see the grail. Cowwoman decided it was her chance to moo-ve and quickly....well quickly as she could, trembled her way to the HIGH PRIESTESS.
The Knight saw the transaction unfold, and decided the the high priestess' claps had become offensive and antagonizing from how long the wait had become. He did admire that way she handled the Jester though, making him get back in his proper place. Although the two queens and Cowwoman weren't pleased enough, the Knight knew justice had been served. He knew it would be a long time before more jokes were made by this Jester.
Finally, after what seemed like eons of waiting, the knight and his mother had made it to the Temple! Both eager to throw their old grails away, the two joined in harmonious song rejoicing the much better HOLY GRAIL 2!
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Just a frame of reference, we got there at 6:30am and left at 11:00pm.....and people started smelling the last 3 hours. Here's a video of me just after we leave the store. I will never wait for anything that long again in my life....that's what she said.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
Love the video
ReplyDelete~arianne~