DOUCHERY- that of being douche like in nature, or, in particular, exhibiting habits that exemplify douchiness.
Times Square. I hate you for your douchery.
Let's be honest, there are a lot of bad things happening in Times Square. The tourists alone, with their smelly handbags and slow walking, are bad enough. It takes a really good tourist for me to give them any sort of respect, and it usually involves them not asking me to take a picture of them but rather take a picture WITH them. And yes that happened. Some rando dutch family said I looked like one of their family members, at least I think they said that....come to think of it they might have said something about wanting to wear my skin. Either way they were endearing.
Sadly, it is not the tourists that made Times Square the wormhole to the End of Days that it has become. It's us, the locals.
I often describe Times Square to people like that bigoted uncle everyone has who makes racial slurs while drinking to much wine and then accidentally sets his hat on fire because he didn't see the candle there....oh....just me? Wow. Ok.
....ANYWAYS, below I have provided short notes to some of the haggish debaucheries that call the square their home.
Dear guy with the "I Need Money for Weed" sign standing in front of the Planet Hollywood. You look like an anorexic dragon that just got back from skin bleaching surgery. I don't know if I should slay you or feed you. And get rid of the goatee. We all know that anything longer than a closely trimmed goatee is not only offensive to children but it is against the law. I challenge you to be an upright citizen, or at least fucking eat something because I can see your dignity organ crying for help.
Dear Army of Naked Cowboys- The novelty has worn off. When there was one of you, and you were hot, it was a cool thing. But I actually dont want to see a poorly arranged doppleganger standing outside when it's 50 degrees out so I can catch a glimpse of his balls actually attempting to hibernate from the lack of clothing and heat. I also don't want to see naked cowgirl. She is the becky to your barbie. And as for naked cowgrandma, go back home, soak your teeth, and put on a nice episode of Columbo. You know....the one where he saves the day...
Dear Lady with the Subway sign - I know your job sucks. Holding a placard for a fast food chain is like being hired by some rich guy to watch his dog poop. That doesn't mean you have to have poor articulation. How will I know what coupons I want if I can't understand the difference when you say either meatball sub or "deathstar" sub. I think you might have also called me a racial slur. Jokes on you though. Gay isn't a race.....yet.
Dear Chicago girls - I really appreciate your work to try and maintain the theatre by getting people to buy tickets. I don't need to hear about your struggles being an "actor", nor do I need to see you try dancing out for the first time. I swear, I think some of these girls learned how to walk about five minutes before getting into costume.
Dear MTV- I know I'm young and hip, but for the last time, NO, I don't want to fucking film some promo for your shitty television!
Dear Hotdog vendor on 45th - You are overpriced. Just like the TGIFriday's on 46th.
Dear "Lace Gentleman's Club"- Maybe you don't know this, but not everyman wants to see a woman's cookie jar. And in addition to that, I don't have a "lady friend" who is "looking for a different kind of date". My only experience at a strip joint was depressing because the girls were really un-athletic and mildly pregnant. Whatever happened to the standard that Elizabeth Berkeley set?
Dear American Eagle- How could you possibly need 800 giant screens above your store when you don't even put up ads. It is literally just giant blue screens with your logo. DEPRESSING!!!
Dear M&M Superstore - HOW DO YOU STAY IN BUSINESS?
Dear 42st Subway stop - You are the worst. You are a nightmare. The only redeeming quality is the awkwardness that ensues when the older twinky "straight" guy sings doo-wop songs with the two old black ladies near the NQR. Other than that, you are no better than a canker sore.
Clearly I love it there.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
Friday, October 29, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Dear World - I Think Im Starting to "Get It"
And not in the sexy way!!!!! Wait....oh man....alright so I may have just revealed that my life is not so sexy right now. But that's actually ok. I think I'm starting to "get it"!!!
Some of you may be wondering what that means, and all I have to say is, if you don't understand it, than you aren't "getting it".
I have a theory that there are three types of people in this world. People who "get it", people who "can get it, but don't always", and people who will "never get it". The majority of people, and I still include myself in this mix, are in the second category. They are the people who are either on their way to the top spot, maybe just don't have the drive to be consistent, perhaps lack the experience, or any number of reasons really.
Many of you may be wondering what I mean when I say that there are people who "get it". Theses are the people, probably like Obama, who have all of the following and more:
Understanding of developing the self
Initiative to work with all groups of people
Knowledge of how to get ahead in life
Affable personality
Street Smarts
Sex Appeal
Experience in multiple perspectives
Work ethic
Goal oriented
These are the people that, when you look at them, you go "DAYAMN. That person is on FIYARE!!!" AKA that person is "getting it"
Celebrities, by and large (at least those with some semblance of talent) get it. Presidents....save an unnamed but obvious one....get it. Oprah definitely gets it.
Guys.
I think I might be, at least, on my way to getting it!!!
Maybe it's because I saw Brooke Shields standing opposite Glenn Close at a Broadway opening tonight. Or maybe it was the weird staring contest I had with Joel Grey at the after party. By golly, it could even be the fact that I feel more confident than ever, even though I still have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do in my life (sounds like an episode of Gossip Girl).
Nonetheless, I have the weird inkling that I'm on the verge of something big...that's what she said....and I just hope it fits.....
I dont think I even need to reiterate that one.
I guess what I'm getting at is, I think I'm finally beginning to start my life. I'm excited to see where it goes, excited to see what latino men come my way, and really excited to one day meet Bette Midler.
The life.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
Some of you may be wondering what that means, and all I have to say is, if you don't understand it, than you aren't "getting it".
I have a theory that there are three types of people in this world. People who "get it", people who "can get it, but don't always", and people who will "never get it". The majority of people, and I still include myself in this mix, are in the second category. They are the people who are either on their way to the top spot, maybe just don't have the drive to be consistent, perhaps lack the experience, or any number of reasons really.
Many of you may be wondering what I mean when I say that there are people who "get it". Theses are the people, probably like Obama, who have all of the following and more:
Understanding of developing the self
Initiative to work with all groups of people
Knowledge of how to get ahead in life
Affable personality
Street Smarts
Sex Appeal
Experience in multiple perspectives
Work ethic
Goal oriented
These are the people that, when you look at them, you go "DAYAMN. That person is on FIYARE!!!" AKA that person is "getting it"
Celebrities, by and large (at least those with some semblance of talent) get it. Presidents....save an unnamed but obvious one....get it. Oprah definitely gets it.
Guys.
I think I might be, at least, on my way to getting it!!!
Maybe it's because I saw Brooke Shields standing opposite Glenn Close at a Broadway opening tonight. Or maybe it was the weird staring contest I had with Joel Grey at the after party. By golly, it could even be the fact that I feel more confident than ever, even though I still have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do in my life (sounds like an episode of Gossip Girl).
Nonetheless, I have the weird inkling that I'm on the verge of something big...that's what she said....and I just hope it fits.....
I dont think I even need to reiterate that one.
I guess what I'm getting at is, I think I'm finally beginning to start my life. I'm excited to see where it goes, excited to see what latino men come my way, and really excited to one day meet Bette Midler.
The life.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
Friday, October 22, 2010
Dear Readers - I Think I Found My "Sexy" Shirt
You know that outfit. The one that makes people go DAYUM BIOTCH!
I figured out that outfit. Really it's the shirt that I think makes it, and to be honest I'm not entirely sure why. That being said, I know it works.
Exhibit A-Walking to work one day, wearing what I had assumed to be an above average blue button up. I had woken up late....as is becoming my usual routine...struggles on that...so I didn't have time to shave and look all sexy pants. So I'm slugging my way to the train when I see a cute boy in le distance. I give him eye contact because...well he was shiny and pretty so it seemed right. And lets just say that I did that thing where you turn around to look at the person's butt to verify that it is really that good. Now, normally that involves a lot of me looking at them, and a lot of them walking away never knowing that I violated them....I like it that way.
But he was looking back too. HE WAS TRYING TO CATCH MY BUTT! The physics of how a shirt made my ass look better are beyond me, but if Patrick Stewart can be transported to far off planets by Scottish people than why can't I wear a shirt that defies gravity to an irrespective body part?!
Feeling more confident, I obviously treated myself to a coffee from the Dunkins. Alright, well I was going to do that anyway, but it felt more deserved this way.
Exhibit B-I'm on the train, enjoying my beverage of victory, and perhaps playing the best game ever of fruit ninja I've had to date (this is an iphone reference. I can't be responsible for those of you that haven't realized we live in an age based on what applications you have and how long your battery is....when I say it like that it kind of sounds like I'm referring to a Tracy Jordan look alike Japanese made sex doll...also a reference. I feel like I'm baby sitting you people into being relevant OH SNAP! JK, I'm sure all of you knew those references. I am keeping track though....)
Longest tangent ever. Me. On train. Victory beverage. Then, almost like you might see in a 90's classic meg ryan movie, before the face transplant that is, I make eye contact with ANOTHER MAN!!! This one was considerably more manly, which I like. I want my men to be like mountains, not to be mistaken for mountain men because I don't date homeless people who give guided tours of "central park" AKA some rando's backyard. He kept smiling at me and shifting his eyes to my direction.
Obvious I was all like, "Oh mista Bond, you ah such a scoundril. I make yuu tea?" But it also made me really nervous. I kept looking away because all I kept thinking was that I had to get to work and this guy probably wanted to hook up in some subway bathroom and I just had too much class and too little time to do that. I mean, there is real commitment involved in that kind of scenario.
Needless to say I looked up missed connections that day to see if he had posted. This might sound weird, but I secretly hope to one day have a missed connection. Not one of those ones with TMI that read, "to the bitch boy who blew me last night, I had fun. We should do that again sometime"
No. I want one that has some rando write a poem about the color of plaid I was wearing that day and he's too afraid to reveal information about himself because he has a debilitating collection of cat skeletons and isn't ready to share that burden with someone else. Not yet.
At the end of the day, I think that's what we're all looking for. Creepies to write haiku's on Craigslist for us.
Oh, and I might have Jedi powers when I wear that shirt. This theory is still untested but consider it fact.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
I figured out that outfit. Really it's the shirt that I think makes it, and to be honest I'm not entirely sure why. That being said, I know it works.
Exhibit A-Walking to work one day, wearing what I had assumed to be an above average blue button up. I had woken up late....as is becoming my usual routine...struggles on that...so I didn't have time to shave and look all sexy pants. So I'm slugging my way to the train when I see a cute boy in le distance. I give him eye contact because...well he was shiny and pretty so it seemed right. And lets just say that I did that thing where you turn around to look at the person's butt to verify that it is really that good. Now, normally that involves a lot of me looking at them, and a lot of them walking away never knowing that I violated them....I like it that way.
But he was looking back too. HE WAS TRYING TO CATCH MY BUTT! The physics of how a shirt made my ass look better are beyond me, but if Patrick Stewart can be transported to far off planets by Scottish people than why can't I wear a shirt that defies gravity to an irrespective body part?!
Feeling more confident, I obviously treated myself to a coffee from the Dunkins. Alright, well I was going to do that anyway, but it felt more deserved this way.
Exhibit B-I'm on the train, enjoying my beverage of victory, and perhaps playing the best game ever of fruit ninja I've had to date (this is an iphone reference. I can't be responsible for those of you that haven't realized we live in an age based on what applications you have and how long your battery is....when I say it like that it kind of sounds like I'm referring to a Tracy Jordan look alike Japanese made sex doll...also a reference. I feel like I'm baby sitting you people into being relevant OH SNAP! JK, I'm sure all of you knew those references. I am keeping track though....)
Longest tangent ever. Me. On train. Victory beverage. Then, almost like you might see in a 90's classic meg ryan movie, before the face transplant that is, I make eye contact with ANOTHER MAN!!! This one was considerably more manly, which I like. I want my men to be like mountains, not to be mistaken for mountain men because I don't date homeless people who give guided tours of "central park" AKA some rando's backyard. He kept smiling at me and shifting his eyes to my direction.
Obvious I was all like, "Oh mista Bond, you ah such a scoundril. I make yuu tea?" But it also made me really nervous. I kept looking away because all I kept thinking was that I had to get to work and this guy probably wanted to hook up in some subway bathroom and I just had too much class and too little time to do that. I mean, there is real commitment involved in that kind of scenario.
Needless to say I looked up missed connections that day to see if he had posted. This might sound weird, but I secretly hope to one day have a missed connection. Not one of those ones with TMI that read, "to the bitch boy who blew me last night, I had fun. We should do that again sometime"
No. I want one that has some rando write a poem about the color of plaid I was wearing that day and he's too afraid to reveal information about himself because he has a debilitating collection of cat skeletons and isn't ready to share that burden with someone else. Not yet.
At the end of the day, I think that's what we're all looking for. Creepies to write haiku's on Craigslist for us.
Oh, and I might have Jedi powers when I wear that shirt. This theory is still untested but consider it fact.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Dear Breeders - An Essay on Being "Family"
Like many advocates out there, I am taking to social media to get my point across. The point, sadly, is in reference to all of the recent LGBT suicides.
I know that these suicides are not any more frequent than before, but for whatever reason, the media has decided that it is a hot topic. In a way, I'm glad to see gay issues get so much coverage. It pains me to see so many teens too heart broken to live because of the people that tortured them, and even more so to see the continued prejudice from pubic officials. Still, if these things were left out of the media, like they had been for so long, than no one would care enough to take a stand.
I used to be a religious person. I saw many wonderful things about having religion in my life, which I might add is different than having God in your life, but perhaps that is a whole other debate. The thing that always bothered me though, considering I was raised a Roman Catholic, was the amount of guilt and hate that seemed to stem from the teachings.
I can vividly remember being about ten years old and realizing that I was gay. For many years I would pray to God to make these feelings I had stop because I wanted to be like everyone else. I prayed to God for a lot of things that never changed. I'm not sure if it was something that someone had said to me that made me start to be ok with everything, or if it was a gradually decision that I had made on my own.
I do know the day that everything started though. I was in Confirmation class and we were talking about a lot of different things. The topic of sex had come up quite a bit (I'm pretty sure two of my classmates were doing it and kept asking questions about the "repercussions of premarital sex" because they thought it was funny). My teacher had made many references to breeding and that procreation was the only acceptable reason for sex. One of the kids jokingly made reference to gay people trying to make babies. The teacher turned a shade of red that I hadn't seen before (it wasn't very becoming either), and she began one of the most despicable tangents I had heard.
"Being gay is an abomination", she had said. A man having sex with another man was the same things as having sex with a goat according to her. Bestiality and Homosexuality....apparently...were the same...
Lady. I don't fuck goats. Not even men with long goatees, but that's out of principle. I don't think I need to explain myself there.
I'm not sure what stirred up inside of me, but I was confused and hurt so I had to say something. The only thing I could think of asking was WHY.
Her argument was that being a homosexual "Bared False Witness" which was breaking one of the 10 commandments. She said that gay people were lying to God about who they were, and would surely go to hell because of it.
Not realizing that my sassy gay wit was already boiling inside of me, I retorted with a comment on her hair. I said, "Well miss (blank) you dye your hair blonde. I don't see how that's any different of a "lie" than being gay. It's still a "lie" that has a stereotype associated with it. Does that mean dying your hair is the same as bestiality?"
Needless to say she got upset. But my comment had riled enough people to make them question it too. She had backed herself into a corner by saying that homosexuals were going to hell because they "lie" about it. Still, it bothered me that she had made that comparison.
Flash forward about 8 years. Im living in New York, I'm out and proud, and I'm trying to live the dream by pursuing a career in theater. While I'm doing that, I spend my days working retail for an awesome company. One of the perks of living in the city is the copious amounts of beautiful people that work in front of your life every day.
Because if this, I am always wondering who's playing for what team. I recently asked a couple of my girl friends at work if they knew what "family" meant. Most of them thought I was being literal and asked me why I didn't know them if they were family. None of my straight friends knew this, but all of my gay friends did. Asking if someone is "Family" means asking them if you think the person is out and proud.
With all of the LGBT news springing up, I realized why this title is important. I was using it as a reference for who I should flirt with, but the word "family" has a much more important meaning to it. Any member of the LGBT community is Family because we understand the hardships of being different. It's not like a skin color, being gay, so people have a hard time knowing where we come from. But it really is no different. I never chose to be gay, but I certainly wouldn't choose to be straight if it meant causing pain for others.
That is why we must stay "family". We need to be there for those kids who don't know that there are thousands of others out there that know exactly were they are coming from. Breeders, and I give this name to those out there that do not support our community and think that we are lesser because we cant procreate (at least we can try though :P ), there is only one thing I need to say to you.
You don't need to make a baby to have Family. Cue Sister Sledge.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
BRIAN DANN
I know that these suicides are not any more frequent than before, but for whatever reason, the media has decided that it is a hot topic. In a way, I'm glad to see gay issues get so much coverage. It pains me to see so many teens too heart broken to live because of the people that tortured them, and even more so to see the continued prejudice from pubic officials. Still, if these things were left out of the media, like they had been for so long, than no one would care enough to take a stand.
I used to be a religious person. I saw many wonderful things about having religion in my life, which I might add is different than having God in your life, but perhaps that is a whole other debate. The thing that always bothered me though, considering I was raised a Roman Catholic, was the amount of guilt and hate that seemed to stem from the teachings.
I can vividly remember being about ten years old and realizing that I was gay. For many years I would pray to God to make these feelings I had stop because I wanted to be like everyone else. I prayed to God for a lot of things that never changed. I'm not sure if it was something that someone had said to me that made me start to be ok with everything, or if it was a gradually decision that I had made on my own.
I do know the day that everything started though. I was in Confirmation class and we were talking about a lot of different things. The topic of sex had come up quite a bit (I'm pretty sure two of my classmates were doing it and kept asking questions about the "repercussions of premarital sex" because they thought it was funny). My teacher had made many references to breeding and that procreation was the only acceptable reason for sex. One of the kids jokingly made reference to gay people trying to make babies. The teacher turned a shade of red that I hadn't seen before (it wasn't very becoming either), and she began one of the most despicable tangents I had heard.
"Being gay is an abomination", she had said. A man having sex with another man was the same things as having sex with a goat according to her. Bestiality and Homosexuality....apparently...were the same...
Lady. I don't fuck goats. Not even men with long goatees, but that's out of principle. I don't think I need to explain myself there.
I'm not sure what stirred up inside of me, but I was confused and hurt so I had to say something. The only thing I could think of asking was WHY.
Her argument was that being a homosexual "Bared False Witness" which was breaking one of the 10 commandments. She said that gay people were lying to God about who they were, and would surely go to hell because of it.
Not realizing that my sassy gay wit was already boiling inside of me, I retorted with a comment on her hair. I said, "Well miss (blank) you dye your hair blonde. I don't see how that's any different of a "lie" than being gay. It's still a "lie" that has a stereotype associated with it. Does that mean dying your hair is the same as bestiality?"
Needless to say she got upset. But my comment had riled enough people to make them question it too. She had backed herself into a corner by saying that homosexuals were going to hell because they "lie" about it. Still, it bothered me that she had made that comparison.
Flash forward about 8 years. Im living in New York, I'm out and proud, and I'm trying to live the dream by pursuing a career in theater. While I'm doing that, I spend my days working retail for an awesome company. One of the perks of living in the city is the copious amounts of beautiful people that work in front of your life every day.
Because if this, I am always wondering who's playing for what team. I recently asked a couple of my girl friends at work if they knew what "family" meant. Most of them thought I was being literal and asked me why I didn't know them if they were family. None of my straight friends knew this, but all of my gay friends did. Asking if someone is "Family" means asking them if you think the person is out and proud.
With all of the LGBT news springing up, I realized why this title is important. I was using it as a reference for who I should flirt with, but the word "family" has a much more important meaning to it. Any member of the LGBT community is Family because we understand the hardships of being different. It's not like a skin color, being gay, so people have a hard time knowing where we come from. But it really is no different. I never chose to be gay, but I certainly wouldn't choose to be straight if it meant causing pain for others.
That is why we must stay "family". We need to be there for those kids who don't know that there are thousands of others out there that know exactly were they are coming from. Breeders, and I give this name to those out there that do not support our community and think that we are lesser because we cant procreate (at least we can try though :P ), there is only one thing I need to say to you.
You don't need to make a baby to have Family. Cue Sister Sledge.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
BRIAN DANN
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