You know that outfit. The one that makes people go DAYUM BIOTCH!
I figured out that outfit. Really it's the shirt that I think makes it, and to be honest I'm not entirely sure why. That being said, I know it works.
Exhibit A-Walking to work one day, wearing what I had assumed to be an above average blue button up. I had woken up late....as is becoming my usual routine...struggles on that...so I didn't have time to shave and look all sexy pants. So I'm slugging my way to the train when I see a cute boy in le distance. I give him eye contact because...well he was shiny and pretty so it seemed right. And lets just say that I did that thing where you turn around to look at the person's butt to verify that it is really that good. Now, normally that involves a lot of me looking at them, and a lot of them walking away never knowing that I violated them....I like it that way.
But he was looking back too. HE WAS TRYING TO CATCH MY BUTT! The physics of how a shirt made my ass look better are beyond me, but if Patrick Stewart can be transported to far off planets by Scottish people than why can't I wear a shirt that defies gravity to an irrespective body part?!
Feeling more confident, I obviously treated myself to a coffee from the Dunkins. Alright, well I was going to do that anyway, but it felt more deserved this way.
Exhibit B-I'm on the train, enjoying my beverage of victory, and perhaps playing the best game ever of fruit ninja I've had to date (this is an iphone reference. I can't be responsible for those of you that haven't realized we live in an age based on what applications you have and how long your battery is....when I say it like that it kind of sounds like I'm referring to a Tracy Jordan look alike Japanese made sex doll...also a reference. I feel like I'm baby sitting you people into being relevant OH SNAP! JK, I'm sure all of you knew those references. I am keeping track though....)
Longest tangent ever. Me. On train. Victory beverage. Then, almost like you might see in a 90's classic meg ryan movie, before the face transplant that is, I make eye contact with ANOTHER MAN!!! This one was considerably more manly, which I like. I want my men to be like mountains, not to be mistaken for mountain men because I don't date homeless people who give guided tours of "central park" AKA some rando's backyard. He kept smiling at me and shifting his eyes to my direction.
Obvious I was all like, "Oh mista Bond, you ah such a scoundril. I make yuu tea?" But it also made me really nervous. I kept looking away because all I kept thinking was that I had to get to work and this guy probably wanted to hook up in some subway bathroom and I just had too much class and too little time to do that. I mean, there is real commitment involved in that kind of scenario.
Needless to say I looked up missed connections that day to see if he had posted. This might sound weird, but I secretly hope to one day have a missed connection. Not one of those ones with TMI that read, "to the bitch boy who blew me last night, I had fun. We should do that again sometime"
No. I want one that has some rando write a poem about the color of plaid I was wearing that day and he's too afraid to reveal information about himself because he has a debilitating collection of cat skeletons and isn't ready to share that burden with someone else. Not yet.
At the end of the day, I think that's what we're all looking for. Creepies to write haiku's on Craigslist for us.
Oh, and I might have Jedi powers when I wear that shirt. This theory is still untested but consider it fact.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
No comments:
Post a Comment