DOUCHERY- that of being douche like in nature, or, in particular, exhibiting habits that exemplify douchiness.
Times Square. I hate you for your douchery.
Let's be honest, there are a lot of bad things happening in Times Square. The tourists alone, with their smelly handbags and slow walking, are bad enough. It takes a really good tourist for me to give them any sort of respect, and it usually involves them not asking me to take a picture of them but rather take a picture WITH them. And yes that happened. Some rando dutch family said I looked like one of their family members, at least I think they said that....come to think of it they might have said something about wanting to wear my skin. Either way they were endearing.
Sadly, it is not the tourists that made Times Square the wormhole to the End of Days that it has become. It's us, the locals.
I often describe Times Square to people like that bigoted uncle everyone has who makes racial slurs while drinking to much wine and then accidentally sets his hat on fire because he didn't see the candle there....oh....just me? Wow. Ok.
....ANYWAYS, below I have provided short notes to some of the haggish debaucheries that call the square their home.
Dear guy with the "I Need Money for Weed" sign standing in front of the Planet Hollywood. You look like an anorexic dragon that just got back from skin bleaching surgery. I don't know if I should slay you or feed you. And get rid of the goatee. We all know that anything longer than a closely trimmed goatee is not only offensive to children but it is against the law. I challenge you to be an upright citizen, or at least fucking eat something because I can see your dignity organ crying for help.
Dear Army of Naked Cowboys- The novelty has worn off. When there was one of you, and you were hot, it was a cool thing. But I actually dont want to see a poorly arranged doppleganger standing outside when it's 50 degrees out so I can catch a glimpse of his balls actually attempting to hibernate from the lack of clothing and heat. I also don't want to see naked cowgirl. She is the becky to your barbie. And as for naked cowgrandma, go back home, soak your teeth, and put on a nice episode of Columbo. You know....the one where he saves the day...
Dear Lady with the Subway sign - I know your job sucks. Holding a placard for a fast food chain is like being hired by some rich guy to watch his dog poop. That doesn't mean you have to have poor articulation. How will I know what coupons I want if I can't understand the difference when you say either meatball sub or "deathstar" sub. I think you might have also called me a racial slur. Jokes on you though. Gay isn't a race.....yet.
Dear Chicago girls - I really appreciate your work to try and maintain the theatre by getting people to buy tickets. I don't need to hear about your struggles being an "actor", nor do I need to see you try dancing out for the first time. I swear, I think some of these girls learned how to walk about five minutes before getting into costume.
Dear MTV- I know I'm young and hip, but for the last time, NO, I don't want to fucking film some promo for your shitty television!
Dear Hotdog vendor on 45th - You are overpriced. Just like the TGIFriday's on 46th.
Dear "Lace Gentleman's Club"- Maybe you don't know this, but not everyman wants to see a woman's cookie jar. And in addition to that, I don't have a "lady friend" who is "looking for a different kind of date". My only experience at a strip joint was depressing because the girls were really un-athletic and mildly pregnant. Whatever happened to the standard that Elizabeth Berkeley set?
Dear American Eagle- How could you possibly need 800 giant screens above your store when you don't even put up ads. It is literally just giant blue screens with your logo. DEPRESSING!!!
Dear M&M Superstore - HOW DO YOU STAY IN BUSINESS?
Dear 42st Subway stop - You are the worst. You are a nightmare. The only redeeming quality is the awkwardness that ensues when the older twinky "straight" guy sings doo-wop songs with the two old black ladies near the NQR. Other than that, you are no better than a canker sore.
Clearly I love it there.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
i love you b dann.
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