Dear OKstupid - or Trying to be Smarter than the Average Homo

I know it's been a little too long since my last post but I apologize. I'll make it up to you real good though. Promise.

Alright LOVERS, whereyouat!?

As some of you may or may not know, but will soon know if you didn't...even if you didn't care to know before, is that I have an OKcupid, or as I rightfully call it OKstupid, account.

Don't get me wrong. It today's wild and crazy world run by super computers that live in the sky and train dragons from Mars, OKcupid actually runs pretty high on the list of semi-respectable dating facilities. Obviously some of the more popular ones include E-homophobe and J-date(it's a dating website for Jews, how cute right!?) but there are plenty of bad ones out there as well.

For instance, plenty of fish, AKA plenty of diseases and regrets, is mostly filled with mountain trolls who somehow convinced Verizon Fios that they would be an invaluable market to give the gift of Internet to. There are some OK people on there, but for the most part it's people you would expect to be the first ones eaten in zombie movies.

Then there's Ashley Madison which is for "discreet dating". In other words, you're bored with your wife because she wont pee on you during sex anymore so you find some tablecloth wearing community college student who will use you for the money you extorted. Can we all agree that this is a website for fat balding men with midlife crises?

OKcupid does a decent job, at least for most people, of finding decent to acceptable matches. I will admit, I have had some luck with this website. Every person I've gone on dates with has been normal and surprisingly non-murderous. It's getting to that point that I seem to have some trouble with.

First off, I'm not a stereotypical homo. I'm not a twink who likes getting coked out on the weekends and wakes up in the middle of Iowa after a "seriously tranny weekend biotches!" Nor am I a chiseled Adonis who spends more time working out that doing anything else considerably more important, like watching the entire Buffy the Vampire Slayer series from beginning to end (i'm on season 7....don't know what I'll do when it's over). I'm not a hipster gay, I'm not a successful 40 gay who is just starting to get gray hair because he is now fucking distinguished, I'm not even an 800 pound bear who runs a daycare center and sings show tunes at the local elks club on the weekends. No I am none of these things. So for me to capture.....the attention...of these seemingly endless amount of stupidly attractive men, I need to figure out the best way to seduce them into going on a date. I know once they meet me they'll be all like, "OMG BRYAN (I don't know why they had to misspell my name in their dialogue) you are soooooo funny and cute and smart and witty and bright and amazing and pretty and A ROBOT!!!!!!!?"

Ok well maybe not all of those things. What I seem to be getting a lot of are the rando creepy 50 year old men who live out in Jersey and are interested in meeting other "Discreet, married, or bisexual men around the same age". Bitch if you still so in the closest, why you knockin on my door? Last time I checked, I was none of those things. If however I am wrong I will issue a public apology and bring you a football because flowers would be to gay.

The rare occasion when I do have an attractive man message me, something usually falls apart. Most of the time, I'll send a message back and they just wont respond. I think that probably has something to do with the fact that I ask if I can wear them as skin but it's an honest question and I don't see the big deal. One time, I got as far as planning a date with this kindergarten teacher. Everything seemed great until he just never showed up. I text him to see where he is and he makes up some excuse about his door falling off or something.....

Because I'm a sucker I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried planning a second date, which by the way he had suggested to me because he felt bad. I wasn't being desperate and pushy. But he never got back to me. So I burned his house down.

Anyways, things just seem like they aren't working out they way they should. Sure I could go to Splash and meet some Jamaican man named Julian who either asked me to go home with him or marry him.....but I want something more than a crazy one night stand with a Jamaican man that probably would have been really good....fuck my life.

Instead, I get random Greek Gypsy ladies at the laundry mate asking how my mother is WHO THEY'VE NEVER MET!!! Or the random girl at the Duane Reade who asked me to reach for some milk duds for her because she was too short and than stalked me throughout the store telling me about the night she had planned and "how she wished she was getting beer with....i mean getting beer like me instead of these silly milk duds!"

I hate vagina. And yet somehow it seems to follow me everywhere I go. Like those beholder beasts with the one really big eye and bat wings.......wow I just really nerded out.

Oh fuck. I get it. THAT'S why I can't get a date. Thanks dungeons and dragons for RUINING MY GAY DREAMS!

LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN