Dear Cover Letters - AKA how to stand out like Nomi Malone

In my first week, I've come to terms with the fact that New York moves a lot faster than any other city.... A LOT. I'm working at the Apple store on the Upper West Side, but in my time before I start working, I have been applying to theater internships and directing gigs. One gig in particular was an assistant position with NYMF (I though dirty things when I first saw this acronym). I knew that I was more than qualified for the position, and made a kick ass cover letter/resume combo. Now I saw this posting maybe 3 days after it had been posted on Playbill.com. I emailed the director, filled with soon to be bitter pride in my gut, and waited patiently for a response. I did not need to wait that long though. Within five minutes of me sending the email, I got this response-

"Brian,

Thanks for sending me your information. Unfortunately the position has been filled. Best of luck on your upcoming projects.

Regards,
Director X"

WOOOOF. Srsly? To top it off, I had just finished reading a yahoo article (the only place I get my news source....) about writing standout cover letters to set yourself from the pack.

Now a sexy CL would not have gotten me this job because I was as late as half the girls I went to high school with.....but with this information in hand I knew that devising the perfect formula would be necessary for the rest of my life!!!!

It was at this time that I went to the movies for inspiration. The good guys not only always know what to do, but they do it with style and pizzaz. Bruce Willis knows how to make saving a building form Alan Rickman seem way harder than it is, and I was not about to be upstaged by someone who was dumped for Assface Cooter (Ashton Kutcher for those of you that don't "get it"....ugh)

I went to the one person I knew wouldn't let me down. Elizabeth Berkley.

I KNOW that we all remember that episode of "Saved by the Bell" where she gets crack addicted to caffeine pills and "just can't stop!". What vigor! What COMMITMENT! She knew how to make something as sophomoric an addiction to caffeine seem like she was on heroin and couldn't figure out how to feed her baby....."cuz we're smoking rocks now, I ain't gotta a job now, cuz for you this is just a good time, but for me this is what I call life....mmhmm".

And that's when I realized what needed to be my true inspiration. SHOWGIRLS. If you haven't seen this EPIC MASTERPIECE, you now have two options. Stop reading this post and watch the movie. If you don't like/don't want to see the movie then-
Stop reading because you don't deserve that right. There are zombie babies in Africa starving for your brain power. Use it don't abuse it....here is a youtube clip of the masterpiece just to give you a taste.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OW3ZmnvKu2Y&feature=related

YOU ENJOYED IT!

Watching this angel's footsteps made me realize that my cover letter had to do a couple of things...at least metaphorically.
-It had to dancefuck the resume reader's eyes and emotions under a waterfall...and horizontally.
-My cover letter had to "push" the other cover letters down a flight of stairs thus ending any chance they had to be the next Crystal Connors
-The cover letter had to have enough poise and determination to withstand the lesbian advances of said Crystal Conners
-If necessary, it would eat a lot of chips and hamburgers throughout it's life
-And it's name would be Polly Anna

So for all of you who are wondering what the real secret is to landing that next job, look no further. You have found your grail.

Thank you Nomi. We'll miss you.

LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN

PS-Andy Cohen, I'm still waiting for a job offer.