Dear Technology - Becoming Sentient Does Not Give You Civil Rights

Technology is whack ya'll. I think, and this is specific to me, that technology has begun a secret attack and using me as a vessel for it's mission. Sounds dirty than I feel, but I speak the truth. I've had one too many close calls with technology taking advantage of me to not acknowledge what's really going on here. People, I say to thee - Technology wants rights.

"But Brian! What about the children."

They'll never make it alive. And neither will you.

For those of you who aren't as aware of these things as the obviously more intelligent me (this statement is ironic because the sentence structure is so bad :)...), than this all might seem like a big surprise to you. Believe me when I say that times are about to change, and we can all thank computers for that.

This impeding doom first reared it's ugly face when my roommate got us the Xbox Kinect. To digress for a moment, this machine is fucking awesome and provides hours of entertainment/I discovered I'm a natural at dancing games.

More importantly though is the fact that this little machine follows your every move....I mean it actually follows you. Not like those creepy paintings that look like the portrait is following your move, but those even creepier portraits with the eye holes cut out so the man who planned the party that is also planning on killing you and taking everyone's life insurance so that he can move to Puerto Rico with his unnamed and underage boy lover can ACTUALLY follow your every move. This is the first part of their plan and it is with devious motivation.

You see, this goes beyond big brother. This is not to prosecute us but rather to study us. Technology is making its way further into our livelihood everyday. People with the Kinect will also more than likely have a fair amount of other technology in their homes, and probably no girlfriends to boot (My roommate has easily risen above the later, but the Kinect truly could care less).

There next phase is for them to show there need to have civil liberties. I discovered this phase while at my internship attempting to use a computer that had been lovingly called "THAT laptop". For the sake of my argument, consider the laptop akin to "THAT uncle". I've mentioned him before, but for a refresher I'll provide the following adjectives/nouns/maybe some gerunds.

Bigot
Ignorant
Slow
Stubborn
Pooping as there favorite past time
SLOW
Creaky
Leaky
Probably a big homo

Did you spot the gerund? Thats what she.....I'm sorry. I'll try stoping that....no I wont.

I was given this computer to use because there weren't any free ones for me. I didn't really think anything of it, other than I hate Dells and think they should all be brought out to pasture. So I go to turn it on. Nothing. I even put my head up to the laptop to see if the hard drive was spinning. Nothing. I waited about ten minutes to be accosted by a DOS screen that said something about internal failure. Does uncle have dysentery? I pressed F1 to continue and then proceeded to wait another 40 minutes for the login screen to appear.

40 minutes.

After I finally was able to login and wait about another 15 minutes for the computer to be ready for me, I began my journey to connect to the server. The fastest thing this computer did was shut down when I asked to connect to the server. To give an analogy, this computer was like an old person trying to drive a car and playing pinball with the pedestrians, then going to court and saying that they are SOOOO capable of driving and shouldn't have anything revoked because for FUCKS sake they've been driving for 50 years which is longer than you've been born you snot nosed brat!!!

This computer's sole purpose was to show me that even when technology fails us, we'll be forced to use it and give it everything it wants and needs, but never vice a versa.

I've also learned of the last phase, which is based on spite and could literally bring us to our knees like little whores. Baby whores even.

My roommate and I have this things wherein I transfer him money and he pays our bills. Its a system that works great because we have the same bank and I'm lazy. So there I was, iPhone in hand, getting ready to transfer the money when something really pretty annoying happened.....nothing. I pressed the "button" and my phone just froze. Like any normal capitalist American would do, I started swearing at it with threatening comments like, "I'll get a droid if you don't start acting like a real fucking smart phone!" and "Should I call you the iPhone or the iFuckedupbrian'sday...phone?"

With one last effort, I pressed the button again in the hopes that it might actually work. Oh...it worked alright. TWICE.

My phone had decided to show me how much control it had by transferring the same amount over two times in a row. That bitch. And yet look at me. All defenseless from the treachery that had just been committed.....like a baby whore.

So it only seems obvious that this is all leading towards a civil rights movement on behalf of the semi-sentient robot based technoid creatures.

That Dell laptop WILL become the old legally blind man who is still allowed to drive even though all those poor girls died from his grocery run.

And my stupid iPhone will be their savior. Leading the battle to make our lives misery until will give them things like heath insurance and freedom of speech.

Fuck Freedom.

LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN

PS-I don't hate freedom. I just hate the things that don't deserve it.....like Tea Party-ers and muppets.