Dear Body - Blow Me

I'm perpetually failing at this whole blog thing. And I know that I've given excuses for delays before, but this shit is for real.

My body hates me.

"How does that effect your writing" you might ask? Well, I guess it really doesn't, but it's been agonizing and I haven't had the patience to write until right now.

First, a history lesson in the oddities of Brian Scott Raphael Dann's immune system. The "raphael" is my confirmation name, which is totally a whole other story so just suck it up for now and deal.

So the first real crazy thing that happened was when I was probably seven or eight. I didn't find out for a couple of years what the real story was, but basically I couldn't walk for the better part of a couple of weeks. In my eight year old stupor AKA being fucking eight, I just assumed that I was having this crazy bad growth spurt that was going to make me 6'5". It was also a great excuse to watch the Ninja Turtles Live Concert on VHS 500 times in a row because I couldn't get up and what else better could there have possibly been. A couple of years ago, my mother told me the truth behind the madness. Turns out I contracted some weird virus that essentially made my hips lock up and put me in intense pain. They even thought I might have had polio for a hot second.

That's what I get for being a child prostitute, huh.

Fast forward eight years. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rush everyone it's just that not a lot happened in those years leading up to this....well maybe some awkward sexual development and the occasionally Power Rangers play date...oddly enough the two were not related...

Anyways, I'm in Bio with this crazy whore of a teacher (In actuality she wasn't a whore, and she was a great teacher, but she gave too much homework and it cramped my driving school time/band practice....band as in marching) and quite possibly the worst lab partner someone could have asked for. Let me put it this way. He had a snaggle tooth, made awkward comments about severely underaged girls, and picked his nose harder than Miss South Carolina picked on the English Language back in 2007. Worse yet, we were learning about the anatomy of plants, but are school was too poor to afford real plants to dissect. Instead, we used peanuts.....

I would like to mention the fact that I, up until this point, had enjoyed the company of peanut butter tremendously. As a youngin', my favorite snack was actually peanut butter and nacho cheese doritos AND DONT YOU DARE JUDGE!!! Whenever I tell people that, there always all "EEWWWWW" and "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF". My retort is simple. Shut up and try it. It's like those cheese crackers with the peanut butter, only better.

So we are dissecting said peanut (lab partners had to share one.....I know your jealous) and I got fucking bored so I ate my half. Within about five minutes, I had broken out in hives and my throat was starting to close. Wait, WHAT! How the hell was this happening. I mean, I hadn't had anything with peanuts for a couple of months because I was an adult and needed to move from peanut butter sandwiches to bologna, but this just seemed impossible!

A hospital visit and one epipen later made me realize that peanuts were no longer an option for me. Struggles.

This time we'll only make a small jump to when I got my wisdom teeth out. And this one has two things!......that's what he said....and yeah I felt like changing it up.....that's what she said.

Wisdom teeth operation, at least according to the Doc, should only take about an hour and than another hour for recovery. I got to the offices at nine in the morning and promptly left at four....does the math seem off to you too?

Well, my body decided that I really didn't like this whole general anesthesia thing and it was just not going to let me wake up. For about six hours after the operation the nurses did everything they could to try and wake me up. Everything from giving my juice to slapping my face. Finally, the orthodontist gave me a shot of adrenaline to force me awake. I know what your all thinking. What an inexpensive date idea!

While in recovery, the doctor had prescribed penicillin to help prevent infection. Apparently my body also decided that it had had enough of this silly yet revolutionary drug, and it simply would not have it anymore. I found out after I took some and my heart began to race outside of my chest (to my chagrin, that stupid evil dog with the wheezing problem and the ugly mustachio man won the race....ugh). The doctor's called it hypercardioma or something stupid like that.

So here we are. Present day. I've had these weird itchy spots all over my body for about a month now. I tested for bed bugs which was thankfully a no. I changes my detergent, my body soap, and have even cut out gluten from my diet to see if anything helps. Lucky me, I'm still a mess.

In conclusion, fuck.

LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN

PS-Ive decided to write a book....and I'm being for realsies, so you may just see some little excerpts begin to show up after the new year!