Fact- John McCain is a huge jerkoff. Like, maybe the biggest ever. We would definitely need Bounty Reusables to pick up after this hot mess.
Beyond the fact that he was stooped into choosing Palin as a running partner/sex doll/punching bag....oh you guys haven't seen those videos yet?....anyways....he is stupid enough to be on the wrong side of history with the repeal of DADT.
But hwhy John, HWHY? I have a theory that his motivations were much more devious and...perhaps dastardly...than just the Conservative Republican Agenda and Common American Bigotry (do you like my use of CAPS? :P) I think John McCain might have actual personal stake in this.
For the sake of my fake argument based on real truths from the novel Push by Sapphire, lets assume that all the gay men in his life fulfill some stereotype. It will be easier to believe him to be ignorant if he has bad examples, and it makes my theory more compelling and concrete....and funny. And we have to assume that his wife is strongly connected to these gay factors because of her "unwavering" views on gay rights. Sadly, with this comes the assumption that John must have a huge peen in order to make her change her stance on DADT within days. I'm talking like elephant huge. Sad really.
First we have Jaimie. Jaimie is the McCain's real estate agent...you know, because they have like eight homes. Well, Jaimie helps the two savvy buyers find these luxurious homes around the country and even plans house parties for them whenever they move to new locations. These house parties are stuffy and and filled with only three types of cheese. Jaimie insists on getting a bigger selection, but John McCain's allegedly huge peen probably got in the way of that too. What the political duo don't realize is that Jaimie studied Urban Planning at Alabama State (he's a Southern Homo obvi). When Jaimie learns the news of the DADT repeal, he'll be able to live his dream of making the Middle East FABULOUSSSSSS by enlisting with the army. Once he makes his way to the top, by being a power bottom, Jaimie will lead a brigade of swatch bearing soldiers to the outlining villages. He will teach the women how to pair vintage coffee tables with 10,000 count throw pillows. Jaimie will make civic centers where all the boughsie Iraqis can play badminton and drink mimosas. He'll create an irrigation system that is not only functional but also leads to a grandiose fountain that will be the center piece for their weekly circuit parties.
Without Jaimie, John and Cindy can't buy more fabulous homes. They will be forced to go for drab aka republican homes in the middle of nowhere North Dakota. They wont know which neighborhoods to buy up homes in, or which neighbors to not be racist towards.
Then we have Carlos. Carlos is a tiny Mexican (He's actually Panamanian...but the McCain's actually don't know the difference. I just cant bare to break their little hearts) hairdresser. He keeps Cindy's lesbian haircut intact, and also creates a special weave for John to keep his head together. If he didn't have the weave, his brain juice would fall out of his ears from being so full of shit. Cindy and John visit Carlos once a week to keep the image up, and pay him in Pesos and another week of not telling the government to deport him. Jokes on them though. Carlos was born in Nebraska and makes garden art out of the pesos.
When Carlos found out that gays could be open in the army, he knew what his new mission would be. Being the McCain's hairdresser gave him dexterous hands and a keen attention to detail. So Carlos leaves for the National Armory to become a weapons's expert, teaching all the soldiers the fastest ways to break their guns down. He makes new weapons, weapons that are non violent and sting like a well thrown back handed compliment. And he starts a hair trend that sweeps the army like a case of syphilis - it's called not a fucking buzzcut.
And last but not least, we have Sandi. Sandi is the McCain's lesbian car mechanic. She has a penchant for making motorcycle decals and cat costumes. Sandi makes sure that the McCain's motors run smoothly, and yes that means she works on John's Anti-vampire chamber so that he doesn't turn back.....
Sandi and her partner.....Sandy...have wanted to join the Army for years now. They have a secret desire to introduce lesbionic ways to the women they meet in Iraq, but until now haven't been able to go enlist and be open at the same time. When Sandi/y do enlist, they become on-site mechanics for the tanks that stroll through the country side. On their journey, they teach the men how to build houses and introduce the women to the L-word.
So you see, if John had been able to discourage the gays from being open in the army, they would have never left his side and kept his life in tact. Now, John has to deal without the luxury of his gays and must find straight people who can attempt to help control his life. I give it a week before his brain falls out and he turns back into a vampire.
So John McCain, I'm sorry you lost your homos. But lets face it. Elmo, who is also a big homo, could have fixed America's problems faster and more efficiently than he ever could have.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
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