Dear Rose - When is it my turn?

Warning: This post is really gay. Like in the red-zone Gay. Gayer than the last post...where I talked about hot gay men in NYC Pride.

This post is about the greatest piece of American Literature to ever grace human king with its presence. GYPSY!

I tried posting the following videos as links but I'm a big struggle so please open up a new tab or window so that you can copy paste....yes you have to....no....I'm not asking.....it's for your own good!

How do I know that this is the greatest single addition to life, the universe and everything? (ten points if you get the reference...and yes I'm tracking points and some of you are definitely doing better than others....I'm just saying that some could be pulling more weight than they are...) I know because, DUH, are you serious? How can this NOT be the best musical ever made? First, only Broadway divas are even allowed to entertain the idea of ever playing Rose....I mean I'm still figuring out how Tyne Daly got through. The second reason is that it's based on a true story. A crazy stage mother creates polar opposite and surprisingly famous daughters during an era when their art form was dying...and she was slutty too! The third reason is that some of the greatest musical theatre gays have had hand, both large and small...hehehe, in the making and evolving of this musical: Arthur Laurents, Stephen Sondheim, Ethel Merman (Don't even go there. You know the Merman was a total lesbot so don't even give me that "Oh my! What ever are you talking about?" look.)

The first Rose was obviously Ethel Merman. She actually originated the role in 1600....BC. She was a Seer and could see that hundreds of years in the future she would originate a role based on a real person, and become one of the most iconic characters to ever hit 42nd street....or any. Knowing this, she froze herself, much in the same fashion as fellow Seer Walt Disney....this is actually the second time he froze himself. Unfortunately, the 50's didn't have a lot of recording devices so I could only find a sound clip of her singing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rv1p1Vea0iY

Ethel stamping her vibrato on this role did a couple of things. It first proved that even the biggest bitches on Broadway had at least one role to look forward too if they became so hated that they would never get cast as anything else. It also showed the same thing for crazies. The most important thing was what it did for belters. It's shows like Gypsy that helped show the general public there were other things than legit singing, and boy am I glad she did that because I love me a diva belter just as much as the next gay.

The next Rose was one that would not normally strike me as a perfect choice...but it was. Miz Angela Lansbury graced the role in the 1970's in the first revival. Although I have not seen the full production yet (THANK YOU LINCOLN CENTER!) I have seen clips from her performance and I can say that she is brilliant! She gives a new definition to crazy that has most certainly inspired future crazies. Specifically at 5:15 but watch the hole video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhBMaWCgzRk

Next was the mistake. Although Tyne Daly was probably loved by many in her somewhat memorable show "Judging Some Bitch Named Amy". I think it just goes to show you how amazing this role is because I cannot begin to tell you what she was doing on stage, both literally and figuratively, but she still won the Tony. I bet there are even people out there who will see this and say that I am wrong and that Tyne is a good woman with a heart of gold. I would tell them they are wrong and that her name sounds like a spice or a character from the Narnia chronicles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJM6nNMXJlc

I'm going to take this time to divulge a little. Instead of going to the next Broadway revival, I want to show two videos from the movies that were made. As far as Broadway is concerned, Tyne was style a mistake....but Rosalind Russell was just downright offensive. Her acting was just really off in general, but her singing reminded me of a deaf sheep trying to sing karaoke after having three too many shots of jaeger at her sister's bachelorette party...right after she puked on the stripper. Some of you obviously less qualified people may not know that her voice was dubbed over by Lisa kirk because her voice created a paradoxical universe wherein she blew and sucked at the same time. The first video is the dubbed version and the second is the rough and struggly version by Miss Russell herself. I think they both suck, but that might be because it's like 8 hundred keys lower than the original in both cuts. For your own health, I strongly suggest only listening to each version in small portions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkJzUwOBayk&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYGMguS2dD8

There was another movie made in the 90's with favorite Gay Mama, Bette Midler. I will preface this by saying that I had an unhealthy obsession with Hocus Pocus growing up....I still might...but it was with a specific scene in particular that drew my attention. When Bette and the girls sing "I put a spell on you" the gay literally flew out of me. To this day I can't understand how anyone was surprised by my coming out after hearing news like this. It was a couple of years back when I had heard that Better Midler had played Rose, and the gay became a storm inside of me. It was like two gay hurricanes mashed together and made a moving starring George Clooney before he made good movies. I read up on it and saw that it had been nominated for 12 EMMY awards and that Bette had won the Golden Globe.....Golden Globes are like the prizes we used to get in cereal boxes. Eventually everyone gets one. Let me just say that it was very hard for me to keep any sort of gay crush on her after watching the movie. Although she did capture the essence of what vaudeville was about, her acting was basically her yelling at the audience for 14 hours. This is a clip of her singing at the Emmy's and it's honestly not nearly as horrifying as the movie. I could not find any clips from the movie, most likely because it burned a whole in too many people's eyes and the video had to be removed before lawsuits were filed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLbToMyrpvo

Needless to say even after seeing an icon destroy something so beautiful, I knew that the same golden light from "Lost" was in the pages of this musical. Getting back to the chronology of this "blog turned essay but still a blog because I'm writing informally", the next Rose was Betty Buckley. I have to admit that I don't know too much about this production at the Papermill, but I did watch her rendition of Rose's turn and it reaffirmed what I thought about this musical. Her voice was bangin obviously but her acting was really introspective. ROSE GOT SOME DEPTH YA'LL!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28JZZLNZM_I

The last two are perhaps the most talked about divas to ever play Rose since its inception in 1600 BC by Mermantron (Did I forget to mention that she is also an Autobot?). I am of course speaking of Bernadette Peters and Patti Lupone. Many gays have quarreled over which Diva out diva'd the other, and many lives have been lost (it's ok, were like cats....in many ways). While Bernadette had the sexiness that no previous Rose could really capture, Patti had the desperation. Patti will always be Rose in my eyes because she is the only one I got to see live. And also Arthur Laurents said so and he is the bitchiest gay alive and I do not want to cross him....oh an he made the role so, like, I guess he has some say. The first is Bernadette and the second Patti. I'll let you decide.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_eD1btsIAE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYsnwawyHrc

So here we are, having seen 800 renditions of "Rose's turn", and your probably wondering why I put so much effort into this post. Two reason; I can do a mean "Rose's Turn"....in the original key...well not Ethel's key, but she did it higher than it was written so whatevs....and I am bound and determined to direct this on Broadway one day. High expectations but like I'm obvi qualified 2 do it so just tell abby to stop messin around with bobby b4 I cut her. ttyl bitch! I can't even imagine what this post would look like if it was an actual essay.

Below is a compilation of almost all of the ladies doing the monologue right before Rose's turn. I think it exemplifies how crazy they all are.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPoWMZxhJ8o

Finally, a question. Who should be the next Rose? Let's try to keep it to someone who will be age appropriate for when I am 40, so 17 years from now....omg guys I'm getting old. I'm already over 40 in gay years. And remember, she has to be a Broadway diva. Justify your answer with how she is a diva and why she deserves my attention for my Tony award winning production in 2027.

"I WAS BORN TOO SOON AND STARTED TO LATE!"

LOVES AND STRUGGS
B DANN