This title might at first seem odd and I promise, it will get odder.
Some of you may be living under a hole (that's right....UNDER), but for those of us that keep up-to-date with what's happening in the, this past week has been a newsworthy one to say the least. Two really big stories had some major developments in particular.
The oil spill FINALLY stopped leaking. Thanks BP, for taking three months to fix your massive amounts of "spilled milk".
And the second news, also with a three month marker, is that LINDSAY LO-BLOW is going to jail!
The actress best known for her roles as those two twinz from the refresh of The Parent Trap, the comedy Meangirls, and her "award-worthy" performance as a.....twin....in I Know Who Killed Me, was sentenced to 90 days in jail after fucking up her probation. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!
A lot of people have been weighing in on whether or not the ruling was fair. My only thought to that is, aren't people paid to make these decisions for us? I mean, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure judges have to go to school for at least a year in order to be certifiable in passing judgment....unless they are gay in which case they are born with that right. And the judge in question, Judge Revel, has one credential no other judge has. Her mother was a personal assistant to none other than JUDY GARLAND!!! That obviously means she had play dates with Liza and has seen more than her fair share of crazy between the two.
One Mel Gibson'donthitme (Irish decent) is also under scrutiny after several vulgar phone conversations with his baby mama surfaced. Mel may not be too far behind Lo-blow if Judge Revel had anything to do with it.
But think about it.
Go on. I know you're almost there. Mel and Lindsay Lo-blowson'donthitme! Is it possible, nay, even probable that Revel is secretly playing matchmaker? Could these two kookoo for exposure junkies be united by the Justice System? Will their incarcerated love free their souls?
When I realized the magic that was happening, I decided to re-imagine each of their films as if the other had been there all along.
Let's take Braveheart and Meangirls. They both have really inspired speeches in the final act of their movies, so already off to a good start. Just picture Lindsay fighting alongside Mel and the Scots as they take on Regina George in the hallway and on the battlefield. She would understand his savage nature because her family was cultured. He would sympathize with her need to fit in from his time.....in.....uh....
Now let's take What Women Want and I Know Who Killed Me. Lindsay would not have to go through....whatever she went through in that movie that didn't involve lackluster stripping.....she's no Nomi Malone a la SHOWGIRLS (the best movie ever made)....because Mel could read her thoughts and everyone knows that twins have shared brain wave lengths so he could have also found out where her other half was. He would have also known that her unnecessary fake leg made her feel self-conscious and would tell her that it did not make her look fat.
PARENT TRAP AND LETHAL WEAPONS 1-9. This would obviously be a buddy comedy.....I mean....it already is.....except no Danny Glover. While Mel was diffusing the bomb, Lindsay squared would be playing good 5 year old cop/bad 5 year old cop with the culprit that she has successfully tied down with play-dough and a can do attitude! After saving the day and reuniting her parents after they were kidnapped by the mafia for drug cartel.......too close to reality?.....Mel and Linds would share an ice cream and have a classic early 90's montage of the two do awesome things in the park.
SIGNS AND A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION.......
And just imagine the sex.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
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