Dear Needy People - You are Insufferable!

I have needs. I know this because I breath, and eat, and poop. We all NEED to do this. I don not consider myself needy for needing to have these things in my life though.

I also don't consider those poor african zombie babies that Madame Struthers does commercials for to be needy. These zombie babies have a real need to eat your brains....and get educated, DUH! These zombettes are affected by their circumstances, and cannot control the fact that they aren't privy to things like Manifest Destiny. These people have real problems.

The people I will talk about in this post ARE needy. These people have FWPs.

What are FWPs? (F)irst (W)orld (P)roblems.

These are the people that make more than enough money to support themselves but refuse to acknowledge the fact that they have no real problems. These are the people that are 45 and decide that they want to become classical pianist but refuse to practice because, "well, I just had to go to Nordstrams to pick up the dress for my garden party this weekend. I mean, do you KNOW who is going to be there? I just had more important things to do. And i'm not paying you this week because I don't feel that I've gotten any better.".....

I've had many encounters with these types of people, and I've decided story time was only necessary.

First there was the Starbucks Homorone (I combined homo and morone, isn't that cute?! You know it is. P-)...it's a pirate winking. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?)

So the homorone was a serious struggle. As some of us first worlders know, Starbucks is having a promotion now were if you buy something in the morning and come back with the receipt after 2pm, you can get any drink for two dollars. Now I knew he was a homo because I KNOW THESE THINGS, and he had some accessories that just could not physically stay on anyone but a fellow homo: a gucci "carryall" or "manpurse", 800 rings, a beret, purple snake skin boots (NOT KIDDING!) and probably other things that couldn't be seen because the radiance he was emitting actually gave me skin cancer.

I walk into this Starbucks, the one in Columbus Circle, and see a giant line. This line is being held up by snufflegaypulous and he is having the biggest wrist fit that I have ever seen. After about a minute into his tirade, I realized what he was complaining about. His receipt was from the day before and he thought there was now reason why they shouldn't redeem his offer....oh and it was BEFORE 2PM!

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SRSLY!!!!!!!! FWP Sir douchebaginham. FWP.

I also find that in my line of current work, I find at least one person a day who is expressing heinous amounts of FWP. I will not say what I do specifically, though most of my current eight readers already know. Let's just say that I sell expensive stuff for a cutting edge company. A lot of the products are hard to get, and some even require, OH NO, a reservation!

Some of my favorite responses are
"So why can't I get one. I really need this and I shouldn't have to wait."
"Can't you just get me one from the back? You have to have extra."
"it better not take more than a couple of days. That would be unacceptable"
"I don't do reservations."

My favorite person ever though was a woman that came in today. Let's call her Cyst, because that's what she felt like. So, Cyst comes in and signals me down as if I was her personal jet that she couldn't understand why it hadn't landed near her sooner because it should have obviously known that she was going to be there WAY before she actually was....

She then expresses me that she would "like one". The product in question...well...let's just say that there are several types. Four to be exact. The come with different capabilities and features, and one model even comes in several colors. Saying that you "would like one" means nothing to me.

Now I know that many people, somehow, have lived under a rock long enough to not know what these things do. I gave her the benefit, and described each one. I even found out more about her so I could help provide a proper solution so that she got the one that would be best for her.

She gave me a blank stare, and then simply said, "I'll take whatever the most expensive one it." Great.

We then proceeded to take the next hour to look at cases and other accessories for her knew purchase. Needless to say, around every corner, she needed deep explanations for any possible purchase she might need, and refused to make a decision on anything. At the very end, she demanded that I put her accessories together, set up her account, and watch her type on the screen to make sure that she would like it....let's just say Cyst's 13 inch nails made the typing part a little hard.

I would do this for anyone that came in, and I wouldn't have even minded it IF she wasn't so "burdened" by the entire process. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!!!

What's the lesson here? Pooping and things like it are real problems. Being a struggle to people because you think it would be a privilege for them to lick your privates and bow before you is NOT a real problem.

Just ask yourself, would the African Zombie babies complain about this? If no, than shut your front door and realize you are having FWPs.

LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN

PS-ANDY COHEN, WHERE IS MY JOB OFFER? Oh jesus. I have FWPs.