Today, I've decided to go a little bit back to my roots with this blog and write about something both frivolous and entertaining. I've been focusing on some "heavier" issues, and no one likes to have a heavy flow....
I work at this really awful restaurant. For my own sake of not wanting to get sued for slander, we'll call it the Shithole...writing this specific entry makes that name even funnier. For the most part, our clientele are usually 8 foot douche towels that work in the financial district and their brand of flirtation is telling a girl that they can "help them out"....as in be a sugar daddy. The problem with that is the women are either equally as tall and financially successful and this becomes meaningless, they are trolls from the hills of Bushwick or they are the waitresses and have an immediate inclination to hate these men because they have common sense. These are also the de-evolved ass bleeders who steal fries off my plate or tell me that we need to keep the kitchen open because they are here with some allegedly famous hockey player who I've never heard of and frankly would love to shit in their food for making me reopen the guacamole.
I think it's obvious how much I love this place.
This past Sunday, our chef (who may actually be the king of all things I consider evil), asked me to swap shifts with someone for who knows what reason. He probably needed someone to open who wasn't going to disrupt his masturbation dance that he performs to bless the food every morning. Darn it! And I was looking forward to that...
So there I am, walking into the restaurant for my first brunch shift ever (mind you I've been there for two months so how they managed to never put me on for brunch before this escapes me), and I see what I assume to be some mirage.
A Gaggle of Gays.
Literally, dozens of them scampering across our floors as the dulcet tunes of Katy Perry and Lady Gaga played above. Was this some cruel joke? I know the kitchen hates "the gay", but why would they tease me like this?
That's when I remembered. Gays love brunch. It doesn't matter where we go. Brunch is free range for us to be as sassy and fabulous as we want, with no exception. The Shithole would be no exception. I've provided scientific proof for this theory.
1. We get to drink in the morning - Every brunch place I've ever been to sells some kind of mimosa or bloody mary to start the day off right. If we are really lucky, we are still drunk from the night before and this just gives us that little extra buzz to try and evade the hangover for another couple of hours. Gays love alcohol but hate being judged for it. This is the best of both world for us because it is expected for us to drink.
2. We can wear sunglasses inside- Brunch is for people who are hungover. Lots of people will keep their sunglasses on during brunch festivities to hide the fact that the running mascara is still all over their faces...and they don't remember putting mascara on.... Brunch allows the Gays, who feel even more fabulous with stunner shades on, to keep their sunglasses on too. Even if we aren't hungover, we will keep them on.
3. We get to eat CARBS - Gays love having body dysmorphia and not eat carbohydrates. We are like those videos you watched in high school of the bulimic girls who would keep jars of her vomit in her closet....except less awkward. Sunday Brunch is what we use as our "cheat day", even if we ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's Sweet World of Fatlandia in hiding while watching old episodes of Clarissa explains it all. How did she know EVERYTHING? Blossom really could have used her advice.
4. We get to hear our favorite music - Restaurants are lazy on Sundays. The don't want to hire the DJ they normally have because the crowd who was there Saturday night came back for brunch and can't bare to hear loud noises. So they will put on whatever Top 40 station comes on first, and I guarantee you 3/4's of the songs the Gays will know and love. Partly because we are taking over the world through the vehicle of dance music.
5. We get to be sassy with the server - There are few things that waitresses will hate more than a sassy customer, except during Sunday Brunch. Everything is usually so hectic that the sass gets taken personally and adds to the stress of the environment. But on Sunday Brunch, everyone else is so tired and hungover that we can be our natural sassy selves and the waitresses use it get a breath of fresh air. And everyone wins when the sass is directed towards the most hungover person in the restaurant.
6. We get to "shop" - It's like speed dating with home fries.
7. We have the rest of our day to do other gay things - Self explanatory.
So, Sunday Brunch, thank YOU for always being their for the gays. I hope you all can make it to this year's Brunch Pride Festival.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
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