Fact- John McCain is a huge jerkoff. Like, maybe the biggest ever. We would definitely need Bounty Reusables to pick up after this hot mess.
Beyond the fact that he was stooped into choosing Palin as a running partner/sex doll/punching bag....oh you guys haven't seen those videos yet?....anyways....he is stupid enough to be on the wrong side of history with the repeal of DADT.
But hwhy John, HWHY? I have a theory that his motivations were much more devious and...perhaps dastardly...than just the Conservative Republican Agenda and Common American Bigotry (do you like my use of CAPS? :P) I think John McCain might have actual personal stake in this.
For the sake of my fake argument based on real truths from the novel Push by Sapphire, lets assume that all the gay men in his life fulfill some stereotype. It will be easier to believe him to be ignorant if he has bad examples, and it makes my theory more compelling and concrete....and funny. And we have to assume that his wife is strongly connected to these gay factors because of her "unwavering" views on gay rights. Sadly, with this comes the assumption that John must have a huge peen in order to make her change her stance on DADT within days. I'm talking like elephant huge. Sad really.
First we have Jaimie. Jaimie is the McCain's real estate agent...you know, because they have like eight homes. Well, Jaimie helps the two savvy buyers find these luxurious homes around the country and even plans house parties for them whenever they move to new locations. These house parties are stuffy and and filled with only three types of cheese. Jaimie insists on getting a bigger selection, but John McCain's allegedly huge peen probably got in the way of that too. What the political duo don't realize is that Jaimie studied Urban Planning at Alabama State (he's a Southern Homo obvi). When Jaimie learns the news of the DADT repeal, he'll be able to live his dream of making the Middle East FABULOUSSSSSS by enlisting with the army. Once he makes his way to the top, by being a power bottom, Jaimie will lead a brigade of swatch bearing soldiers to the outlining villages. He will teach the women how to pair vintage coffee tables with 10,000 count throw pillows. Jaimie will make civic centers where all the boughsie Iraqis can play badminton and drink mimosas. He'll create an irrigation system that is not only functional but also leads to a grandiose fountain that will be the center piece for their weekly circuit parties.
Without Jaimie, John and Cindy can't buy more fabulous homes. They will be forced to go for drab aka republican homes in the middle of nowhere North Dakota. They wont know which neighborhoods to buy up homes in, or which neighbors to not be racist towards.
Then we have Carlos. Carlos is a tiny Mexican (He's actually Panamanian...but the McCain's actually don't know the difference. I just cant bare to break their little hearts) hairdresser. He keeps Cindy's lesbian haircut intact, and also creates a special weave for John to keep his head together. If he didn't have the weave, his brain juice would fall out of his ears from being so full of shit. Cindy and John visit Carlos once a week to keep the image up, and pay him in Pesos and another week of not telling the government to deport him. Jokes on them though. Carlos was born in Nebraska and makes garden art out of the pesos.
When Carlos found out that gays could be open in the army, he knew what his new mission would be. Being the McCain's hairdresser gave him dexterous hands and a keen attention to detail. So Carlos leaves for the National Armory to become a weapons's expert, teaching all the soldiers the fastest ways to break their guns down. He makes new weapons, weapons that are non violent and sting like a well thrown back handed compliment. And he starts a hair trend that sweeps the army like a case of syphilis - it's called not a fucking buzzcut.
And last but not least, we have Sandi. Sandi is the McCain's lesbian car mechanic. She has a penchant for making motorcycle decals and cat costumes. Sandi makes sure that the McCain's motors run smoothly, and yes that means she works on John's Anti-vampire chamber so that he doesn't turn back.....
Sandi and her partner.....Sandy...have wanted to join the Army for years now. They have a secret desire to introduce lesbionic ways to the women they meet in Iraq, but until now haven't been able to go enlist and be open at the same time. When Sandi/y do enlist, they become on-site mechanics for the tanks that stroll through the country side. On their journey, they teach the men how to build houses and introduce the women to the L-word.
So you see, if John had been able to discourage the gays from being open in the army, they would have never left his side and kept his life in tact. Now, John has to deal without the luxury of his gays and must find straight people who can attempt to help control his life. I give it a week before his brain falls out and he turns back into a vampire.
So John McCain, I'm sorry you lost your homos. But lets face it. Elmo, who is also a big homo, could have fixed America's problems faster and more efficiently than he ever could have.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Dear Technology - Becoming Sentient Does Not Give You Civil Rights
Technology is whack ya'll. I think, and this is specific to me, that technology has begun a secret attack and using me as a vessel for it's mission. Sounds dirty than I feel, but I speak the truth. I've had one too many close calls with technology taking advantage of me to not acknowledge what's really going on here. People, I say to thee - Technology wants rights.
"But Brian! What about the children."
They'll never make it alive. And neither will you.
For those of you who aren't as aware of these things as the obviously more intelligent me (this statement is ironic because the sentence structure is so bad :)...), than this all might seem like a big surprise to you. Believe me when I say that times are about to change, and we can all thank computers for that.
This impeding doom first reared it's ugly face when my roommate got us the Xbox Kinect. To digress for a moment, this machine is fucking awesome and provides hours of entertainment/I discovered I'm a natural at dancing games.
More importantly though is the fact that this little machine follows your every move....I mean it actually follows you. Not like those creepy paintings that look like the portrait is following your move, but those even creepier portraits with the eye holes cut out so the man who planned the party that is also planning on killing you and taking everyone's life insurance so that he can move to Puerto Rico with his unnamed and underage boy lover can ACTUALLY follow your every move. This is the first part of their plan and it is with devious motivation.
You see, this goes beyond big brother. This is not to prosecute us but rather to study us. Technology is making its way further into our livelihood everyday. People with the Kinect will also more than likely have a fair amount of other technology in their homes, and probably no girlfriends to boot (My roommate has easily risen above the later, but the Kinect truly could care less).
There next phase is for them to show there need to have civil liberties. I discovered this phase while at my internship attempting to use a computer that had been lovingly called "THAT laptop". For the sake of my argument, consider the laptop akin to "THAT uncle". I've mentioned him before, but for a refresher I'll provide the following adjectives/nouns/maybe some gerunds.
Bigot
Ignorant
Slow
Stubborn
Pooping as there favorite past time
SLOW
Creaky
Leaky
Probably a big homo
Did you spot the gerund? Thats what she.....I'm sorry. I'll try stoping that....no I wont.
I was given this computer to use because there weren't any free ones for me. I didn't really think anything of it, other than I hate Dells and think they should all be brought out to pasture. So I go to turn it on. Nothing. I even put my head up to the laptop to see if the hard drive was spinning. Nothing. I waited about ten minutes to be accosted by a DOS screen that said something about internal failure. Does uncle have dysentery? I pressed F1 to continue and then proceeded to wait another 40 minutes for the login screen to appear.
40 minutes.
After I finally was able to login and wait about another 15 minutes for the computer to be ready for me, I began my journey to connect to the server. The fastest thing this computer did was shut down when I asked to connect to the server. To give an analogy, this computer was like an old person trying to drive a car and playing pinball with the pedestrians, then going to court and saying that they are SOOOO capable of driving and shouldn't have anything revoked because for FUCKS sake they've been driving for 50 years which is longer than you've been born you snot nosed brat!!!
This computer's sole purpose was to show me that even when technology fails us, we'll be forced to use it and give it everything it wants and needs, but never vice a versa.
I've also learned of the last phase, which is based on spite and could literally bring us to our knees like little whores. Baby whores even.
My roommate and I have this things wherein I transfer him money and he pays our bills. Its a system that works great because we have the same bank and I'm lazy. So there I was, iPhone in hand, getting ready to transfer the money when something really pretty annoying happened.....nothing. I pressed the "button" and my phone just froze. Like any normal capitalist American would do, I started swearing at it with threatening comments like, "I'll get a droid if you don't start acting like a real fucking smart phone!" and "Should I call you the iPhone or the iFuckedupbrian'sday...phone?"
With one last effort, I pressed the button again in the hopes that it might actually work. Oh...it worked alright. TWICE.
My phone had decided to show me how much control it had by transferring the same amount over two times in a row. That bitch. And yet look at me. All defenseless from the treachery that had just been committed.....like a baby whore.
So it only seems obvious that this is all leading towards a civil rights movement on behalf of the semi-sentient robot based technoid creatures.
That Dell laptop WILL become the old legally blind man who is still allowed to drive even though all those poor girls died from his grocery run.
And my stupid iPhone will be their savior. Leading the battle to make our lives misery until will give them things like heath insurance and freedom of speech.
Fuck Freedom.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
PS-I don't hate freedom. I just hate the things that don't deserve it.....like Tea Party-ers and muppets.
"But Brian! What about the children."
They'll never make it alive. And neither will you.
For those of you who aren't as aware of these things as the obviously more intelligent me (this statement is ironic because the sentence structure is so bad :)...), than this all might seem like a big surprise to you. Believe me when I say that times are about to change, and we can all thank computers for that.
This impeding doom first reared it's ugly face when my roommate got us the Xbox Kinect. To digress for a moment, this machine is fucking awesome and provides hours of entertainment/I discovered I'm a natural at dancing games.
More importantly though is the fact that this little machine follows your every move....I mean it actually follows you. Not like those creepy paintings that look like the portrait is following your move, but those even creepier portraits with the eye holes cut out so the man who planned the party that is also planning on killing you and taking everyone's life insurance so that he can move to Puerto Rico with his unnamed and underage boy lover can ACTUALLY follow your every move. This is the first part of their plan and it is with devious motivation.
You see, this goes beyond big brother. This is not to prosecute us but rather to study us. Technology is making its way further into our livelihood everyday. People with the Kinect will also more than likely have a fair amount of other technology in their homes, and probably no girlfriends to boot (My roommate has easily risen above the later, but the Kinect truly could care less).
There next phase is for them to show there need to have civil liberties. I discovered this phase while at my internship attempting to use a computer that had been lovingly called "THAT laptop". For the sake of my argument, consider the laptop akin to "THAT uncle". I've mentioned him before, but for a refresher I'll provide the following adjectives/nouns/maybe some gerunds.
Bigot
Ignorant
Slow
Stubborn
Pooping as there favorite past time
SLOW
Creaky
Leaky
Probably a big homo
Did you spot the gerund? Thats what she.....I'm sorry. I'll try stoping that....no I wont.
I was given this computer to use because there weren't any free ones for me. I didn't really think anything of it, other than I hate Dells and think they should all be brought out to pasture. So I go to turn it on. Nothing. I even put my head up to the laptop to see if the hard drive was spinning. Nothing. I waited about ten minutes to be accosted by a DOS screen that said something about internal failure. Does uncle have dysentery? I pressed F1 to continue and then proceeded to wait another 40 minutes for the login screen to appear.
40 minutes.
After I finally was able to login and wait about another 15 minutes for the computer to be ready for me, I began my journey to connect to the server. The fastest thing this computer did was shut down when I asked to connect to the server. To give an analogy, this computer was like an old person trying to drive a car and playing pinball with the pedestrians, then going to court and saying that they are SOOOO capable of driving and shouldn't have anything revoked because for FUCKS sake they've been driving for 50 years which is longer than you've been born you snot nosed brat!!!
This computer's sole purpose was to show me that even when technology fails us, we'll be forced to use it and give it everything it wants and needs, but never vice a versa.
I've also learned of the last phase, which is based on spite and could literally bring us to our knees like little whores. Baby whores even.
My roommate and I have this things wherein I transfer him money and he pays our bills. Its a system that works great because we have the same bank and I'm lazy. So there I was, iPhone in hand, getting ready to transfer the money when something really pretty annoying happened.....nothing. I pressed the "button" and my phone just froze. Like any normal capitalist American would do, I started swearing at it with threatening comments like, "I'll get a droid if you don't start acting like a real fucking smart phone!" and "Should I call you the iPhone or the iFuckedupbrian'sday...phone?"
With one last effort, I pressed the button again in the hopes that it might actually work. Oh...it worked alright. TWICE.
My phone had decided to show me how much control it had by transferring the same amount over two times in a row. That bitch. And yet look at me. All defenseless from the treachery that had just been committed.....like a baby whore.
So it only seems obvious that this is all leading towards a civil rights movement on behalf of the semi-sentient robot based technoid creatures.
That Dell laptop WILL become the old legally blind man who is still allowed to drive even though all those poor girls died from his grocery run.
And my stupid iPhone will be their savior. Leading the battle to make our lives misery until will give them things like heath insurance and freedom of speech.
Fuck Freedom.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
PS-I don't hate freedom. I just hate the things that don't deserve it.....like Tea Party-ers and muppets.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Dear Body - Blow Me
I'm perpetually failing at this whole blog thing. And I know that I've given excuses for delays before, but this shit is for real.
My body hates me.
"How does that effect your writing" you might ask? Well, I guess it really doesn't, but it's been agonizing and I haven't had the patience to write until right now.
First, a history lesson in the oddities of Brian Scott Raphael Dann's immune system. The "raphael" is my confirmation name, which is totally a whole other story so just suck it up for now and deal.
So the first real crazy thing that happened was when I was probably seven or eight. I didn't find out for a couple of years what the real story was, but basically I couldn't walk for the better part of a couple of weeks. In my eight year old stupor AKA being fucking eight, I just assumed that I was having this crazy bad growth spurt that was going to make me 6'5". It was also a great excuse to watch the Ninja Turtles Live Concert on VHS 500 times in a row because I couldn't get up and what else better could there have possibly been. A couple of years ago, my mother told me the truth behind the madness. Turns out I contracted some weird virus that essentially made my hips lock up and put me in intense pain. They even thought I might have had polio for a hot second.
That's what I get for being a child prostitute, huh.
Fast forward eight years. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rush everyone it's just that not a lot happened in those years leading up to this....well maybe some awkward sexual development and the occasionally Power Rangers play date...oddly enough the two were not related...
Anyways, I'm in Bio with this crazy whore of a teacher (In actuality she wasn't a whore, and she was a great teacher, but she gave too much homework and it cramped my driving school time/band practice....band as in marching) and quite possibly the worst lab partner someone could have asked for. Let me put it this way. He had a snaggle tooth, made awkward comments about severely underaged girls, and picked his nose harder than Miss South Carolina picked on the English Language back in 2007. Worse yet, we were learning about the anatomy of plants, but are school was too poor to afford real plants to dissect. Instead, we used peanuts.....
I would like to mention the fact that I, up until this point, had enjoyed the company of peanut butter tremendously. As a youngin', my favorite snack was actually peanut butter and nacho cheese doritos AND DONT YOU DARE JUDGE!!! Whenever I tell people that, there always all "EEWWWWW" and "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF". My retort is simple. Shut up and try it. It's like those cheese crackers with the peanut butter, only better.
So we are dissecting said peanut (lab partners had to share one.....I know your jealous) and I got fucking bored so I ate my half. Within about five minutes, I had broken out in hives and my throat was starting to close. Wait, WHAT! How the hell was this happening. I mean, I hadn't had anything with peanuts for a couple of months because I was an adult and needed to move from peanut butter sandwiches to bologna, but this just seemed impossible!
A hospital visit and one epipen later made me realize that peanuts were no longer an option for me. Struggles.
This time we'll only make a small jump to when I got my wisdom teeth out. And this one has two things!......that's what he said....and yeah I felt like changing it up.....that's what she said.
Wisdom teeth operation, at least according to the Doc, should only take about an hour and than another hour for recovery. I got to the offices at nine in the morning and promptly left at four....does the math seem off to you too?
Well, my body decided that I really didn't like this whole general anesthesia thing and it was just not going to let me wake up. For about six hours after the operation the nurses did everything they could to try and wake me up. Everything from giving my juice to slapping my face. Finally, the orthodontist gave me a shot of adrenaline to force me awake. I know what your all thinking. What an inexpensive date idea!
While in recovery, the doctor had prescribed penicillin to help prevent infection. Apparently my body also decided that it had had enough of this silly yet revolutionary drug, and it simply would not have it anymore. I found out after I took some and my heart began to race outside of my chest (to my chagrin, that stupid evil dog with the wheezing problem and the ugly mustachio man won the race....ugh). The doctor's called it hypercardioma or something stupid like that.
So here we are. Present day. I've had these weird itchy spots all over my body for about a month now. I tested for bed bugs which was thankfully a no. I changes my detergent, my body soap, and have even cut out gluten from my diet to see if anything helps. Lucky me, I'm still a mess.
In conclusion, fuck.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
PS-Ive decided to write a book....and I'm being for realsies, so you may just see some little excerpts begin to show up after the new year!
My body hates me.
"How does that effect your writing" you might ask? Well, I guess it really doesn't, but it's been agonizing and I haven't had the patience to write until right now.
First, a history lesson in the oddities of Brian Scott Raphael Dann's immune system. The "raphael" is my confirmation name, which is totally a whole other story so just suck it up for now and deal.
So the first real crazy thing that happened was when I was probably seven or eight. I didn't find out for a couple of years what the real story was, but basically I couldn't walk for the better part of a couple of weeks. In my eight year old stupor AKA being fucking eight, I just assumed that I was having this crazy bad growth spurt that was going to make me 6'5". It was also a great excuse to watch the Ninja Turtles Live Concert on VHS 500 times in a row because I couldn't get up and what else better could there have possibly been. A couple of years ago, my mother told me the truth behind the madness. Turns out I contracted some weird virus that essentially made my hips lock up and put me in intense pain. They even thought I might have had polio for a hot second.
That's what I get for being a child prostitute, huh.
Fast forward eight years. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rush everyone it's just that not a lot happened in those years leading up to this....well maybe some awkward sexual development and the occasionally Power Rangers play date...oddly enough the two were not related...
Anyways, I'm in Bio with this crazy whore of a teacher (In actuality she wasn't a whore, and she was a great teacher, but she gave too much homework and it cramped my driving school time/band practice....band as in marching) and quite possibly the worst lab partner someone could have asked for. Let me put it this way. He had a snaggle tooth, made awkward comments about severely underaged girls, and picked his nose harder than Miss South Carolina picked on the English Language back in 2007. Worse yet, we were learning about the anatomy of plants, but are school was too poor to afford real plants to dissect. Instead, we used peanuts.....
I would like to mention the fact that I, up until this point, had enjoyed the company of peanut butter tremendously. As a youngin', my favorite snack was actually peanut butter and nacho cheese doritos AND DONT YOU DARE JUDGE!!! Whenever I tell people that, there always all "EEWWWWW" and "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF". My retort is simple. Shut up and try it. It's like those cheese crackers with the peanut butter, only better.
So we are dissecting said peanut (lab partners had to share one.....I know your jealous) and I got fucking bored so I ate my half. Within about five minutes, I had broken out in hives and my throat was starting to close. Wait, WHAT! How the hell was this happening. I mean, I hadn't had anything with peanuts for a couple of months because I was an adult and needed to move from peanut butter sandwiches to bologna, but this just seemed impossible!
A hospital visit and one epipen later made me realize that peanuts were no longer an option for me. Struggles.
This time we'll only make a small jump to when I got my wisdom teeth out. And this one has two things!......that's what he said....and yeah I felt like changing it up.....that's what she said.
Wisdom teeth operation, at least according to the Doc, should only take about an hour and than another hour for recovery. I got to the offices at nine in the morning and promptly left at four....does the math seem off to you too?
Well, my body decided that I really didn't like this whole general anesthesia thing and it was just not going to let me wake up. For about six hours after the operation the nurses did everything they could to try and wake me up. Everything from giving my juice to slapping my face. Finally, the orthodontist gave me a shot of adrenaline to force me awake. I know what your all thinking. What an inexpensive date idea!
While in recovery, the doctor had prescribed penicillin to help prevent infection. Apparently my body also decided that it had had enough of this silly yet revolutionary drug, and it simply would not have it anymore. I found out after I took some and my heart began to race outside of my chest (to my chagrin, that stupid evil dog with the wheezing problem and the ugly mustachio man won the race....ugh). The doctor's called it hypercardioma or something stupid like that.
So here we are. Present day. I've had these weird itchy spots all over my body for about a month now. I tested for bed bugs which was thankfully a no. I changes my detergent, my body soap, and have even cut out gluten from my diet to see if anything helps. Lucky me, I'm still a mess.
In conclusion, fuck.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
PS-Ive decided to write a book....and I'm being for realsies, so you may just see some little excerpts begin to show up after the new year!
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