Dear Life, thanks for reminding me that I you are a tough cookie

So it's three in the morning and I can't get to sleep on my new comfy bed because I have too much going on in my mind. Struggles. Like severe struggles.

But isn't that what life is about, at least for the majority of people?

Sorry for the existential crisis bomb that I just blew up, but I have to imagine that I am not the only one who feels like they just got covered in pig's blood at the prom and my telekinesis wont kick in. DAMN YOU STEPHEN KING!

It is just that, I finally got this awesome internship in the field that I want to work in, but I still don't feel 100%. I don't want to confuse this feeling with contempt against the internship because I actually love it. I'm learning so much about commercial theatre and I really love everyone that works in the office. I just feel lost still.

The first big issue, and I mean BIG, is this whole student loan business. Unrelated? Not by a long shot.

You see I went to Emerson College. I had a fantastic time, learned a lot, met some life longs friends and contacts, and would not change a thing about my experience. Well....except for the fact that I have over 80,000 dollars in loans. You see, America sucks and doesn't really help out their citizens with educational costs like our European friends do. For christ's sake, even Canada does a better job at it. For the amount of money I owe, I can't even begin to pay it back because the economy blows severe balls....gross I know....and I can just get myself by. Now this is not a woe is me party by any means because I chose to take out those loans and go to school. But I've discovered this fundamental problem with how this whole "American" system works.

As Americans, we are expected to go to college. Without the degrees, we are told that we wont amount to anything more than a Walmart manager - and in all fairness they make more money than I do. Yet here I am, degree in closet, and I can't seem to make ends meat. Beyond the fact that I can't really even consider going back to school because my credit is so bad that I couldn't even get more loans, I'm surrounded my people who DIDN'T get degrees and are doing more than fine. In fact, these people seem more grounded and on track than I have felt in years.

I look at these people, and I envy their freedom from having to worry about the fact that, at some point, I need to make enough money to pay this massive debt off.

That's when the day dreams start happening. Me thinking about what I would do if I won the lottery, or became uber famous and could just pay off the debt. This is what my life has centered around. Not what kind of art I want to make or what story I want to tell. I've become apart of the all-american "get rich quick" mentality because so many of us really need it.

We have created a society that does not support those that need the help. We put money into oil wars that we created, into other countries that we've destroyed, and into the hands of the wealthy and well-off.

So then I think about Snooki. She, like so many Americans, realized that the only way to work with the system was to find a way onto television. She happened to be interesting enough that made it worthwhile for MTV to pay her to be a train wreck. So while she's making 10,000 an episode for having sex and saying funny things while she's drunk, I'm making 15,000 a YEAR trying to be a real person.

I would love to be on television, but to be apart of a creative show that really effected people. The fact of the matter is, watching these shit-shows is entertaining and we all buy into it. I feel like what I'm getting at is, I probably just have to find a niche in reality tv in order to pay back the money for an education that I might have needed but who's the judge on that anyway?

At the end of the day, I don't want to do that. I don't want to talk about eating pickles and having a puff on my hair to create an image for myself so that my 15 minutes lasts an extra 5. But I do want to be free from this restraint.

I have this tattoo that reads, "Live once, with no regrets". I try everyday to do that, but so much works against that. Doubt is a serious ailment, and it undervalues the lessons that we learn.

I was once told to have patience and perspective when trying to achieve your goals. I think I need a new perspective, a new outlook, to try and figure out where the light is coming from at the end of my tunnel. I can be patient. I just need some direction. Who knows, maybe I should just read "The Secret" or some other philosophy based following.

What I do know is that I have a lot to be thankful for, in my friends and my drive and the fact that I have a job and a home. First world problems are tougher than I imagined though.

At least I have my little blog.

LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN

ps- An apology to Snooki. I think your entertainment value is tremendous. Tremendous in the way that makes me want to kill myself because you're making so much money, but tremendous non-the-less. Keep fist-pumping the night away.