Dear Plaid on Plaid - or - Why Old People Get to Wear Whatever

I am a plaid expert. Ask anyone. I know how to pair it and integrate it into almost every part of my life. This is both physically and metaphorically speaking. For goodness' sakes I have more plaid shirts than I don't. If I liked the lady bits I would be prime real estate for lesbian moving companies.

Because I am an expert, I have the right to add the plaid feature to different parts of my life. Such examples include plaid underwear, bed sheets, and disposition....

I also have the foreknowledge to see when the commoners are abusing their right to wear plaid. This happens when an individual, usually also wearing "mandals" or off-putting crocs pairs his plaid shirt with plaid shorts.

It is almost too hard to continue...that's what she said. Forgive me if it seems odd that I keep making those jokes, but I can't pass up a good "that's what she said" in life or in writing so you'll just have to deal with it.

I have variety in my plaid, usually pertaining around a base color. Plaid works well in that it provides accents to an otherwise boring button up shirt. Yet I find that these offenders often find the worst plaids possible. They find the kind of plaid that has no distinct direction, no base color, and seems to have too many ideas going on at the same time. It's like Rihanna.

It would actually be OK if they just kept it to the shirt or the shorts and paired it with something a little more....I don't know, fashion forward? What they do instead is a disgusting act of mutiny that I don't think anyone should stand for. They pair their ugly shirt with a pair of shorts that are just close enough to the same pattern to ALMOST be a plaid short suit....but they aren't quite there.

I saw several of these offenders in one week and thought I was going to loose my eye-sight when something all together odd happened. I saw an elderly man not only wearing plaid with plaid, but he had giant spectacles and a bow-tie to boot! The only thing I could think about him was, "HOW CUTE IS THAT LITTLE OLD MAN?"

That's when it all made sense. Old people get to wear whatever they want. Well. Old people and Lady Gaga.

You see, like the Lady Gaga, old people can strut around in literally their naked birth suit and people will only applaud their decision. I've seen men wear pants up to their chins, women wear giant purple moo moos with ice cream stains from three weeks ago, and a couple wearing matching gold lamay track outfits. I have never thought to myself, "OOF! What is that old person wearing?". I only find it endearing when I see a 70 year old grandmother walking down the street with bright yellow dyed hair.

Why they have this ability, I'm not sure. But I'll tell you one thing.

I'm jealous.

LOVES AND STRUGGS
B DANN