Dear Bed - or - Why I am a ManCave Kind of a Guy

Get out of my room.

No really. GET OUT!

For those that have known me for a long time, I am particular about my space. If I invite someone over, and yes I am talking about a special friend, than they will very rarely see my room upon first visit. I will say, over the years, I've gotten better about giving ample prep time for my room so that said visitors wont think I'm weird when I refute them entry. That being said, this has been a long uphill battle for me.

I can remember being around ten years old, already divalicious, and not letting anyone into my room. This included my family members. I think a majority of the reason, at least when I was first starting to be super crazy about the whole room thing, was due to the fact that I'm not the cleanest person. There was something about the mess that I would create that I needed to maintain, something to do with my identity or some bull shit. I think that was another reason I had a hard time letting people in my room. The bedroom says so much about a person, to the point where people literally put the very fabric of what makes them unique onto their walls. Whether that means putting up photos from Amber's birthday party where you were listening to Sugar Ray for hours and now you can't fathom your own existence, or perhaps the bowling trophy you got a ten because you were a prodigy who picked a different path but still want the reminder.....I digress. Amber was a bitch anyways.

To be frank...not amber's gay boyfriend, the act of being frank..oh whatever, I've never been one to put things up on my walls. That doesn't mean I don't put things on my walls, but its never felt very genuine for me to do that. I just moved into my new apartment in Astoria not too long ago, and this is the first time I've ever even painted! I kind of like having the bare walls, but I also know that I'm a little embarrassed by it. Between that and the messy thing, I'm pretty sure that is the reasoning behind me being so "You shall not pass!!!" about the whole thing.

I have learned though, especially in the past year, that I NEED that kind of space.

Back in May, I had a living situation that was...well....a little abnormal. I don't want you all to think this is gay or anything, but I had someone else sleeping in my room. FOOLED YOU!!!

Well only slightly. You see, I had come up with the idea that I wanted to move to the city to become one of those big Broadway stars that you hear about in the talking pictures. A good friend of my, and perhaps the timing was ironically perfect, had just ended a pretty serious relationship and needed to move out of the place he was staying at. My crazy brain thought, "WELL THIS IS JUST PERFECT TIMING!!!"

What I had decided to do was let him move in early, taking over my lease, and I would sleep out in the living room until I could figure something else out. Womp womp, what a great idea :(

It was at this time that I realized, to my own chagrin, that I needed to have personal space. I was living out of a suitcase IN MY OWN HOUSE. A slight side note, I apologize for all of the capitol letters. I'm not sure if this is a temporary style choice or if my writing has just evolved....mmmmm...pokemon...DONT JUDGE!

But like,4 srsly guys, I was homeless in my own home. It was about as sad as a bear wearing a business suit after he's just been laid off from his gig as Smokey. Think about it....go on, I know it's sad but really, it's a great metaphor/image/REALITY!?

I thought that this phase would end, but to my now continuous chagrin, this phase would persist for several months. Once I left the town of beans, or for those ruffians who don't know any better, BAHSTON, I went back to Newyorkachusetts* for a brief encounter. *-Newyorkachusetts is Connecticut, but honestly, if you didn't know that it means you haven't been reading my blog and I am now disgusted by your presence. If you did understand the reference, I thank you with a simple smile :)....or a pirate smile if you prefer Pp

Whilst at my homeward bound abode (I LOVE THAT MOVIE!!! MJ FOX 4EVR!!!) I also did not have a place to call my own. You see, my mother was able to move on from the whole empty nest thing very easily, and made my old room into her costume closet. In retrospect, I can see how that statement seems odd. All of you now think that my mother plays live action role playing games and is a level 12 dungeon master. In fact, she is a level 12. A level 12 costume designer though. I'm the dungeon master.

Judge away.

From here, I ventured to good old Inwood, which I am convinced is the only place that is on the island of Manhattan that no one has ever heard of beyond the people that live there. I compare it to the Wizard of Oz...but Dominican.

I was extremely fortunate to have a good friend of mine let me sleep in her apartment while I found a place of my own. This was what I mark as the beginning of my bed struggles. Even though I hadn't slept in a real bed in months at this point, she had me sleeping on her air mattress. Before this, I had been sleeping on couches and barrels of "HAI GURL", so I was really looking forward to sleeping in something comparable to a bed.

More chagrin.

So some how, I had ruined life and god was upset at me....probably the whole gay thing started it...anyways...to the point where I had broken the air mattress. Don't get me wrong, it blew up just fine (that's what she said HAHAHAHAHAHAHA???) but I would wake up every morning in a cocoon of sadness and despair.

After what seemed liked...well a really long time, at my friends house I finally found the perfect apartment (COMMENCE JEALOUS RANGE!). There was a problem though. I still had no bed.

Back tracking to when I was in Boston, some of you may be paying attention to the fact that I never took the bed away from the apartment. Well the bed was struggly and it kept poking me in the back. I'm still convinced the mattress was sentient and was slowly making me into a vampire cyborg. UGH, the human part of the cyborg would be the vampire, still making two halves to a whole! It OBVIOUSLY couldn't be human, vampire AND robot all at the same time....or could it?

Well struggles ensued in Astoria because I had yet another air mattress that deflated every night. Whatever higher being is in charge of the air mattress, please cut me a break. Every morning I would wake up, hoping to come out of the cocoon looking like Channing Tatum, or Paula Dean but that is a whole other story.

FINALLY, after months of bed struggles....again, judge away....I have finally gotten a real bed.

Now that I've ranted at you for what seems to be the better part of ten minutes that you'll now never get back, what was the point you ask? Well, I've learned two things about what I need and the fundamentals of a room. First and foremost, I need my own space. In the time that I was staying all over everyone else's shit, it made me confirm the fact that people need alone time, and I am NO exception. I felt trapped and abused by my own surroundings, so said Elizabeth Berkeley THANK YOU SHOWGIRLS AND JESSE SPANA!, to the point where I wasn't even Brian anymore. Sad business bears to that as well. In that time, I've also learned something else. Whatever I have as my own doesn't need to be a bedroom, but it does need to be a ManCave. Like the theory on squares, a ManCave can be a bedroom but a bedroom is not always a ManCave. I don't know if that analogy directly transfers but it feels right so I'll let it stay....that's what she said.

Here are some things that my ManCave will require (hint hint to my future sugar daddy who happens to be Brazilian and loaded with cash and love...)

-Privacy which may involve biometric entry of some kind. Fingerprints though because I've seen too many sci-fi shows where someone gets there eye stolen so they can enter a room. I'd much rather loose the hand thank you very much.
-Technology. Expensive technology. Expensive and pretty technology.
-A masseuse. If said Brazilian sugar daddy happens to also be this than added points!
-Bar service. I need my lawyers handy at all times....did you like the pun I made? No but seriously, someone better be able to make me LITs and adjust my taxes!
-Did I mention expensive and pretty technology?
-If the ManCave is indeed a bedroom, than I will also need a comfy bed.....and another ManCave.

I think the most important thing I've learned in general is, at least for me, what makes my room mine is the bed. If I don't have a good bed than a wake up looking like Jay Leno, and NO ONE WANTS THAT!

LOVES AND STRUGGS
B DANN