This is the first, an potentially the last, serious posting that I will write on my blog.
To say the least, New York can be overwhelming and downright abusive. This is most true for people pursuing the arts because we will likely never make enough money to make sense out of it. Although I have grown to accept this, it still sucks and I find it hard to keep myself motivated and positive.
That was until I met Jennifer.
I haven't spoken about her to too many people yet because I knew that writing these words down would be the best homage I could pay to her.
I met Jennifer at the Apple store. I couldn't quite tell how old she was because she was clearly recovering from some heavy radiation therapy, and it had probably aged her more than anything else ever could. But her age didn't matter. I knew from the moment we shook hands that this woman "got it".
In this world there are three types of people.
Those who-"get it"
Those who-"could get it" &
Those who-"can't get it"
"It" is life, "it" is relationships, "it" is biology, "it" is whatever you want it to be. Most people don't get it but could if they tried. Few people can't, and even fewer people are born just knowing. I don't know where Jennifer had come from on this imaginary scale, but I knew where she was.
I find it easier than I should talking to people who have battled cancer, but I've known too many afflicted to not be understanding. I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy, but there is a lightness and intelligence that comes from cancer victims that is nothing short of remarkable.
Jennifer is a screenwriter, and is constantly immersing herself into her work. We had a great conversation about bad movies that I won't soon forget, but three things stuck out to me more than anything.
The first was her relationship with her father. She had informed me that he, like herself, was a writer. Jennifer told me about the musical her father had conceived, which won a Tony by the way. I saw the love and pain in her when she said that he had never seen it come to broadway, and how proud he would have been. My tears were barely holding back.
Jennifer also gave me a fundamental lesson in writing. She said, "writing for the screen comes from the inside out. Writing for the stage comes from the outside in." This is why I do theater.
The last and most important things that Jennifer told me was this.
Everyone has at least one story that they can tell better than anyone else. You just have to find it.
So Jennifer, I continue writing for you in the hopes that I do find my story. I won't soon forget you.
Brian Dann
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Dear United States Justice System or How Judge Revel is Playing Matchmaker
This title might at first seem odd and I promise, it will get odder.
Some of you may be living under a hole (that's right....UNDER), but for those of us that keep up-to-date with what's happening in the, this past week has been a newsworthy one to say the least. Two really big stories had some major developments in particular.
The oil spill FINALLY stopped leaking. Thanks BP, for taking three months to fix your massive amounts of "spilled milk".
And the second news, also with a three month marker, is that LINDSAY LO-BLOW is going to jail!
The actress best known for her roles as those two twinz from the refresh of The Parent Trap, the comedy Meangirls, and her "award-worthy" performance as a.....twin....in I Know Who Killed Me, was sentenced to 90 days in jail after fucking up her probation. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!
A lot of people have been weighing in on whether or not the ruling was fair. My only thought to that is, aren't people paid to make these decisions for us? I mean, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure judges have to go to school for at least a year in order to be certifiable in passing judgment....unless they are gay in which case they are born with that right. And the judge in question, Judge Revel, has one credential no other judge has. Her mother was a personal assistant to none other than JUDY GARLAND!!! That obviously means she had play dates with Liza and has seen more than her fair share of crazy between the two.
One Mel Gibson'donthitme (Irish decent) is also under scrutiny after several vulgar phone conversations with his baby mama surfaced. Mel may not be too far behind Lo-blow if Judge Revel had anything to do with it.
But think about it.
Go on. I know you're almost there. Mel and Lindsay Lo-blowson'donthitme! Is it possible, nay, even probable that Revel is secretly playing matchmaker? Could these two kookoo for exposure junkies be united by the Justice System? Will their incarcerated love free their souls?
When I realized the magic that was happening, I decided to re-imagine each of their films as if the other had been there all along.
Let's take Braveheart and Meangirls. They both have really inspired speeches in the final act of their movies, so already off to a good start. Just picture Lindsay fighting alongside Mel and the Scots as they take on Regina George in the hallway and on the battlefield. She would understand his savage nature because her family was cultured. He would sympathize with her need to fit in from his time.....in.....uh....
Now let's take What Women Want and I Know Who Killed Me. Lindsay would not have to go through....whatever she went through in that movie that didn't involve lackluster stripping.....she's no Nomi Malone a la SHOWGIRLS (the best movie ever made)....because Mel could read her thoughts and everyone knows that twins have shared brain wave lengths so he could have also found out where her other half was. He would have also known that her unnecessary fake leg made her feel self-conscious and would tell her that it did not make her look fat.
PARENT TRAP AND LETHAL WEAPONS 1-9. This would obviously be a buddy comedy.....I mean....it already is.....except no Danny Glover. While Mel was diffusing the bomb, Lindsay squared would be playing good 5 year old cop/bad 5 year old cop with the culprit that she has successfully tied down with play-dough and a can do attitude! After saving the day and reuniting her parents after they were kidnapped by the mafia for drug cartel.......too close to reality?.....Mel and Linds would share an ice cream and have a classic early 90's montage of the two do awesome things in the park.
SIGNS AND A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION.......
And just imagine the sex.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
Some of you may be living under a hole (that's right....UNDER), but for those of us that keep up-to-date with what's happening in the, this past week has been a newsworthy one to say the least. Two really big stories had some major developments in particular.
The oil spill FINALLY stopped leaking. Thanks BP, for taking three months to fix your massive amounts of "spilled milk".
And the second news, also with a three month marker, is that LINDSAY LO-BLOW is going to jail!
The actress best known for her roles as those two twinz from the refresh of The Parent Trap, the comedy Meangirls, and her "award-worthy" performance as a.....twin....in I Know Who Killed Me, was sentenced to 90 days in jail after fucking up her probation. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!
A lot of people have been weighing in on whether or not the ruling was fair. My only thought to that is, aren't people paid to make these decisions for us? I mean, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure judges have to go to school for at least a year in order to be certifiable in passing judgment....unless they are gay in which case they are born with that right. And the judge in question, Judge Revel, has one credential no other judge has. Her mother was a personal assistant to none other than JUDY GARLAND!!! That obviously means she had play dates with Liza and has seen more than her fair share of crazy between the two.
One Mel Gibson'donthitme (Irish decent) is also under scrutiny after several vulgar phone conversations with his baby mama surfaced. Mel may not be too far behind Lo-blow if Judge Revel had anything to do with it.
But think about it.
Go on. I know you're almost there. Mel and Lindsay Lo-blowson'donthitme! Is it possible, nay, even probable that Revel is secretly playing matchmaker? Could these two kookoo for exposure junkies be united by the Justice System? Will their incarcerated love free their souls?
When I realized the magic that was happening, I decided to re-imagine each of their films as if the other had been there all along.
Let's take Braveheart and Meangirls. They both have really inspired speeches in the final act of their movies, so already off to a good start. Just picture Lindsay fighting alongside Mel and the Scots as they take on Regina George in the hallway and on the battlefield. She would understand his savage nature because her family was cultured. He would sympathize with her need to fit in from his time.....in.....uh....
Now let's take What Women Want and I Know Who Killed Me. Lindsay would not have to go through....whatever she went through in that movie that didn't involve lackluster stripping.....she's no Nomi Malone a la SHOWGIRLS (the best movie ever made)....because Mel could read her thoughts and everyone knows that twins have shared brain wave lengths so he could have also found out where her other half was. He would have also known that her unnecessary fake leg made her feel self-conscious and would tell her that it did not make her look fat.
PARENT TRAP AND LETHAL WEAPONS 1-9. This would obviously be a buddy comedy.....I mean....it already is.....except no Danny Glover. While Mel was diffusing the bomb, Lindsay squared would be playing good 5 year old cop/bad 5 year old cop with the culprit that she has successfully tied down with play-dough and a can do attitude! After saving the day and reuniting her parents after they were kidnapped by the mafia for drug cartel.......too close to reality?.....Mel and Linds would share an ice cream and have a classic early 90's montage of the two do awesome things in the park.
SIGNS AND A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION.......
And just imagine the sex.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Dear Needy People - You are Insufferable!
I have needs. I know this because I breath, and eat, and poop. We all NEED to do this. I don not consider myself needy for needing to have these things in my life though.
I also don't consider those poor african zombie babies that Madame Struthers does commercials for to be needy. These zombie babies have a real need to eat your brains....and get educated, DUH! These zombettes are affected by their circumstances, and cannot control the fact that they aren't privy to things like Manifest Destiny. These people have real problems.
The people I will talk about in this post ARE needy. These people have FWPs.
What are FWPs? (F)irst (W)orld (P)roblems.
These are the people that make more than enough money to support themselves but refuse to acknowledge the fact that they have no real problems. These are the people that are 45 and decide that they want to become classical pianist but refuse to practice because, "well, I just had to go to Nordstrams to pick up the dress for my garden party this weekend. I mean, do you KNOW who is going to be there? I just had more important things to do. And i'm not paying you this week because I don't feel that I've gotten any better.".....
I've had many encounters with these types of people, and I've decided story time was only necessary.
First there was the Starbucks Homorone (I combined homo and morone, isn't that cute?! You know it is. P-)...it's a pirate winking. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?)
So the homorone was a serious struggle. As some of us first worlders know, Starbucks is having a promotion now were if you buy something in the morning and come back with the receipt after 2pm, you can get any drink for two dollars. Now I knew he was a homo because I KNOW THESE THINGS, and he had some accessories that just could not physically stay on anyone but a fellow homo: a gucci "carryall" or "manpurse", 800 rings, a beret, purple snake skin boots (NOT KIDDING!) and probably other things that couldn't be seen because the radiance he was emitting actually gave me skin cancer.
I walk into this Starbucks, the one in Columbus Circle, and see a giant line. This line is being held up by snufflegaypulous and he is having the biggest wrist fit that I have ever seen. After about a minute into his tirade, I realized what he was complaining about. His receipt was from the day before and he thought there was now reason why they shouldn't redeem his offer....oh and it was BEFORE 2PM!
....
....
....
SRSLY!!!!!!!! FWP Sir douchebaginham. FWP.
I also find that in my line of current work, I find at least one person a day who is expressing heinous amounts of FWP. I will not say what I do specifically, though most of my current eight readers already know. Let's just say that I sell expensive stuff for a cutting edge company. A lot of the products are hard to get, and some even require, OH NO, a reservation!
Some of my favorite responses are
"So why can't I get one. I really need this and I shouldn't have to wait."
"Can't you just get me one from the back? You have to have extra."
"it better not take more than a couple of days. That would be unacceptable"
"I don't do reservations."
My favorite person ever though was a woman that came in today. Let's call her Cyst, because that's what she felt like. So, Cyst comes in and signals me down as if I was her personal jet that she couldn't understand why it hadn't landed near her sooner because it should have obviously known that she was going to be there WAY before she actually was....
She then expresses me that she would "like one". The product in question...well...let's just say that there are several types. Four to be exact. The come with different capabilities and features, and one model even comes in several colors. Saying that you "would like one" means nothing to me.
Now I know that many people, somehow, have lived under a rock long enough to not know what these things do. I gave her the benefit, and described each one. I even found out more about her so I could help provide a proper solution so that she got the one that would be best for her.
She gave me a blank stare, and then simply said, "I'll take whatever the most expensive one it." Great.
We then proceeded to take the next hour to look at cases and other accessories for her knew purchase. Needless to say, around every corner, she needed deep explanations for any possible purchase she might need, and refused to make a decision on anything. At the very end, she demanded that I put her accessories together, set up her account, and watch her type on the screen to make sure that she would like it....let's just say Cyst's 13 inch nails made the typing part a little hard.
I would do this for anyone that came in, and I wouldn't have even minded it IF she wasn't so "burdened" by the entire process. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!!!
What's the lesson here? Pooping and things like it are real problems. Being a struggle to people because you think it would be a privilege for them to lick your privates and bow before you is NOT a real problem.
Just ask yourself, would the African Zombie babies complain about this? If no, than shut your front door and realize you are having FWPs.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
PS-ANDY COHEN, WHERE IS MY JOB OFFER? Oh jesus. I have FWPs.
I also don't consider those poor african zombie babies that Madame Struthers does commercials for to be needy. These zombie babies have a real need to eat your brains....and get educated, DUH! These zombettes are affected by their circumstances, and cannot control the fact that they aren't privy to things like Manifest Destiny. These people have real problems.
The people I will talk about in this post ARE needy. These people have FWPs.
What are FWPs? (F)irst (W)orld (P)roblems.
These are the people that make more than enough money to support themselves but refuse to acknowledge the fact that they have no real problems. These are the people that are 45 and decide that they want to become classical pianist but refuse to practice because, "well, I just had to go to Nordstrams to pick up the dress for my garden party this weekend. I mean, do you KNOW who is going to be there? I just had more important things to do. And i'm not paying you this week because I don't feel that I've gotten any better.".....
I've had many encounters with these types of people, and I've decided story time was only necessary.
First there was the Starbucks Homorone (I combined homo and morone, isn't that cute?! You know it is. P-)...it's a pirate winking. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?)
So the homorone was a serious struggle. As some of us first worlders know, Starbucks is having a promotion now were if you buy something in the morning and come back with the receipt after 2pm, you can get any drink for two dollars. Now I knew he was a homo because I KNOW THESE THINGS, and he had some accessories that just could not physically stay on anyone but a fellow homo: a gucci "carryall" or "manpurse", 800 rings, a beret, purple snake skin boots (NOT KIDDING!) and probably other things that couldn't be seen because the radiance he was emitting actually gave me skin cancer.
I walk into this Starbucks, the one in Columbus Circle, and see a giant line. This line is being held up by snufflegaypulous and he is having the biggest wrist fit that I have ever seen. After about a minute into his tirade, I realized what he was complaining about. His receipt was from the day before and he thought there was now reason why they shouldn't redeem his offer....oh and it was BEFORE 2PM!
....
....
....
SRSLY!!!!!!!! FWP Sir douchebaginham. FWP.
I also find that in my line of current work, I find at least one person a day who is expressing heinous amounts of FWP. I will not say what I do specifically, though most of my current eight readers already know. Let's just say that I sell expensive stuff for a cutting edge company. A lot of the products are hard to get, and some even require, OH NO, a reservation!
Some of my favorite responses are
"So why can't I get one. I really need this and I shouldn't have to wait."
"Can't you just get me one from the back? You have to have extra."
"it better not take more than a couple of days. That would be unacceptable"
"I don't do reservations."
My favorite person ever though was a woman that came in today. Let's call her Cyst, because that's what she felt like. So, Cyst comes in and signals me down as if I was her personal jet that she couldn't understand why it hadn't landed near her sooner because it should have obviously known that she was going to be there WAY before she actually was....
She then expresses me that she would "like one". The product in question...well...let's just say that there are several types. Four to be exact. The come with different capabilities and features, and one model even comes in several colors. Saying that you "would like one" means nothing to me.
Now I know that many people, somehow, have lived under a rock long enough to not know what these things do. I gave her the benefit, and described each one. I even found out more about her so I could help provide a proper solution so that she got the one that would be best for her.
She gave me a blank stare, and then simply said, "I'll take whatever the most expensive one it." Great.
We then proceeded to take the next hour to look at cases and other accessories for her knew purchase. Needless to say, around every corner, she needed deep explanations for any possible purchase she might need, and refused to make a decision on anything. At the very end, she demanded that I put her accessories together, set up her account, and watch her type on the screen to make sure that she would like it....let's just say Cyst's 13 inch nails made the typing part a little hard.
I would do this for anyone that came in, and I wouldn't have even minded it IF she wasn't so "burdened" by the entire process. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!!!
What's the lesson here? Pooping and things like it are real problems. Being a struggle to people because you think it would be a privilege for them to lick your privates and bow before you is NOT a real problem.
Just ask yourself, would the African Zombie babies complain about this? If no, than shut your front door and realize you are having FWPs.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
PS-ANDY COHEN, WHERE IS MY JOB OFFER? Oh jesus. I have FWPs.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Dear Suicide Rat or How I got involved with the Mafia
Don't worry. The title is not a metaphor....
As many of you know, New York has an infestation problem of the vermin variety. I was well aware of this before moving, and really haven't experienced such an overwhelming anxiety that I've needed to write about it...until know. I had assumed, poorly, that rats would reside where they belong: in the subway and behind their desks at realty offices. I've been here for almost a month and my theory seemed conclusive for the most part. Nothing out of the ordinary, right?
WRONG!!!!!
BIG WRONG!!!!!
I hope that this is not my last blog entry, because I fear that I may have stumbled onto some very dangerous entities. If you never hear from me again, please take what little belongings I have and donate to the "Lindsay Lohan - Free My Soul campaign". Girl could use a break.
It all started when I was getting off of the A train at 200 in Inwood. My pedestrian comrade Arianne suggested that we go up a different flight of staircase than the one I normally use. I knew something was weird when my knee jerk reaction was to do anything but follow her. So of course I did as she had suggested and went up the alternative staircase (I would later associate my wording of "alternative" to have similar meaning as if I had said instant death...)
Making our way up, everything seemed fine, when out of nowhere a forearm sized rat landed on the back of my neck and scurried down the stairs. I screamed for what felt like days....gay screamed....so it was really high pitched. This giant asshole left a mental scar on my back that made me consider burning my shirt into a sacrificial effigy, but alas, it was my very favorite shirt so sacrificing a small animal was my only alternative. I packed my pride up, and left the scene with Arianne. It was then that I started thinking, why did this bitch of a living creature jump on me?
To give you some ground plans, I was coming up from an underground stairwell. The rat...let's call him Gregory, jumped off of the Bank of America (or the Bank of Douchbags according to yours truly) building onto my unsuspecting body. The building itself had to be 25 to 30 feet high, and I was probably at least 5 feet underground from the point of impact. And yes my judgement is accurate because I did commercial construction for three years....and I enjoy the company of men so there!
So Gregory jumped 30-35 feet and just happened to land on me so he would survive? This was not a coincidence.
My first reaction was the Gregory worked for Bank of America, maybe for the last 5 years (GUESS THAT REFERENCE!!!) or so and just found out he didn't get the promotion he was hoping to get. Maybe management said that his talents were best suited elsewhere, and that he should continue doing great work in the mail room. Maybe Gregory had a bad childhood, or maybe he just had no clout. For whatever reason, Gregory thought that the only was he could find retribution was through suicide. Was I a coincidental mishap in his plan, or was it that he couldn't really go through with it but still wanted to give everyone a good scare?
That's when I had a flashback. Gregory didn't stop and putz around after the incident. We didn't grab cocktails to commiserate about the economy. No, Gregory kept on running the second he hit the ground. My god, I WAS IN A SCANDAL.
I still believe that Gregory worked at Bank of Slumerica, but he was doing side business. Obviously drugs, and most likely prescription. He probably requested to work nights so that he could meet with his Mafioso dealers in a more private setting. But Gregory had a bad habit of not making his payments, and on this night, he knew it wasn't just going to be a finger that BIG SAL was going to take. Gregory goes through his whole day, sweating like Nomi Malone in....well every scene of Showgirls (I have to reference this movie at least once a month) and dreading the fact that at 11pm, Sal will come knocking at the back door and he still won't have the money. Sure he could take it from the safe, but he would surely get caught. And he would lose his selling grounds too. Maybe another boss could loan him a hit-man to take care of things, but then he would still be in debt. The only logical thing to do was run.
I think Gregory transferred a whole bunch of money into a private account and ran for the hills. I was his opportunity to get outside without anyone seeing him on the cameras. That way, Big Sal would come storming in, make the mistake of being seen, and be blamed for the murder of Gregory Blonski III. It was a perfect plan, and I was just the missing piece....that's what she said.
I mean, it could just be that a disease infested animal happened to cross my path at the most unfortunate time, but there is no fun in that.
LOVES AND STRUGGS
B DANN
As many of you know, New York has an infestation problem of the vermin variety. I was well aware of this before moving, and really haven't experienced such an overwhelming anxiety that I've needed to write about it...until know. I had assumed, poorly, that rats would reside where they belong: in the subway and behind their desks at realty offices. I've been here for almost a month and my theory seemed conclusive for the most part. Nothing out of the ordinary, right?
WRONG!!!!!
BIG WRONG!!!!!
I hope that this is not my last blog entry, because I fear that I may have stumbled onto some very dangerous entities. If you never hear from me again, please take what little belongings I have and donate to the "Lindsay Lohan - Free My Soul campaign". Girl could use a break.
It all started when I was getting off of the A train at 200 in Inwood. My pedestrian comrade Arianne suggested that we go up a different flight of staircase than the one I normally use. I knew something was weird when my knee jerk reaction was to do anything but follow her. So of course I did as she had suggested and went up the alternative staircase (I would later associate my wording of "alternative" to have similar meaning as if I had said instant death...)
Making our way up, everything seemed fine, when out of nowhere a forearm sized rat landed on the back of my neck and scurried down the stairs. I screamed for what felt like days....gay screamed....so it was really high pitched. This giant asshole left a mental scar on my back that made me consider burning my shirt into a sacrificial effigy, but alas, it was my very favorite shirt so sacrificing a small animal was my only alternative. I packed my pride up, and left the scene with Arianne. It was then that I started thinking, why did this bitch of a living creature jump on me?
To give you some ground plans, I was coming up from an underground stairwell. The rat...let's call him Gregory, jumped off of the Bank of America (or the Bank of Douchbags according to yours truly) building onto my unsuspecting body. The building itself had to be 25 to 30 feet high, and I was probably at least 5 feet underground from the point of impact. And yes my judgement is accurate because I did commercial construction for three years....and I enjoy the company of men so there!
So Gregory jumped 30-35 feet and just happened to land on me so he would survive? This was not a coincidence.
My first reaction was the Gregory worked for Bank of America, maybe for the last 5 years (GUESS THAT REFERENCE!!!) or so and just found out he didn't get the promotion he was hoping to get. Maybe management said that his talents were best suited elsewhere, and that he should continue doing great work in the mail room. Maybe Gregory had a bad childhood, or maybe he just had no clout. For whatever reason, Gregory thought that the only was he could find retribution was through suicide. Was I a coincidental mishap in his plan, or was it that he couldn't really go through with it but still wanted to give everyone a good scare?
That's when I had a flashback. Gregory didn't stop and putz around after the incident. We didn't grab cocktails to commiserate about the economy. No, Gregory kept on running the second he hit the ground. My god, I WAS IN A SCANDAL.
I still believe that Gregory worked at Bank of Slumerica, but he was doing side business. Obviously drugs, and most likely prescription. He probably requested to work nights so that he could meet with his Mafioso dealers in a more private setting. But Gregory had a bad habit of not making his payments, and on this night, he knew it wasn't just going to be a finger that BIG SAL was going to take. Gregory goes through his whole day, sweating like Nomi Malone in....well every scene of Showgirls (I have to reference this movie at least once a month) and dreading the fact that at 11pm, Sal will come knocking at the back door and he still won't have the money. Sure he could take it from the safe, but he would surely get caught. And he would lose his selling grounds too. Maybe another boss could loan him a hit-man to take care of things, but then he would still be in debt. The only logical thing to do was run.
I think Gregory transferred a whole bunch of money into a private account and ran for the hills. I was his opportunity to get outside without anyone seeing him on the cameras. That way, Big Sal would come storming in, make the mistake of being seen, and be blamed for the murder of Gregory Blonski III. It was a perfect plan, and I was just the missing piece....that's what she said.
I mean, it could just be that a disease infested animal happened to cross my path at the most unfortunate time, but there is no fun in that.
LOVES AND STRUGGS
B DANN
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Dear Twi-Hards - I'm team Bella so suck it
This post may offend some people. You have been warned
So I saw Eclipse. Am I proud? No. In fact, I have never read the books and thought that the first two movies were comparable to sewage systems. So I went to see this movie, mostly out of a need for AC because new york decided to be hotter than balls....gay jokes aside people..., and found myself with a shocking discovery; I felt for Kristen Stewart.....what?
She's bad though...isn't she? Had I made some mistake or did she really get to my heart strings and make me think? I haven't written a post in a couple of days because I wanted to make sure that I had processed everything the right way, and it turns out I still am team Bella.
Let's look at some facts. Now I didn't read the book, but anyone who is disappointed by the fact that she is not like Bella in the book can suck it. In fact, anyone who doesn't like a movie because it's not like the book or vice a versa can also suck it....unless you're one of my family members and if that's the case the disregard that comment. But seriously, I cant remember the last time that I WATCHED a book or READ a movie, not counting foreign films or reality tv on VH1 where the provide subtitles because the women on Rock of Love have such a debased form of english that it becomes vital. My point is that the two mediums are not the same and the two shouldn't be compared.
So Kstew plays Bella a little different. I will even admit hating on her in the second movie where she is in the woods crying out for Edward and she seems about as distraught about is as someone would about loosing their least favorite pair of socks....and she sounded mildly deaf too. I was always confused as to why she played her as this kind of weak and weird girl who couldn't seem to keep her shit together.
It was her ending monologue in Eclipse that made me realize what she had been doing. *SPOILER ALERT*-really it's for all those obese anime girls in Borders that sit around talking about the mythology of Twilight who haven't seen the movie yet because their parents are religious and think the girls are too obsessed with it and will lie to mom and dad about going out for tiffany's birthday when in actuality they are going to the mall to mentally cream themselves over Robert Pattison's "Made from God's own hands" lips.....
Her speech was about why she was becoming a vamp. It was not for edward (although I would turn into anything for him) but for her; she felt strong around the vampires and new that she was a weird girl that never fit in.
Bella has social anxiety disorder. DUH! Think about it. Already awkward girl loses her mom in a nasty divorce and she ends up in Washington state in a perpetually overcast town. She's super weird and can't make friends when all of a sudden this stupidly hot guy thinks that your delicious. Oh and ps, he's a vampire so nbd or whatevs he just eats blood and doesn't age. I say eat because I think of blood being like wine which is technically food but that's for another post. So socially inept girl finds herself wanting to mac up in Rpat's business when another mythological creature decides he wants on bella's bella as well. Oh shucks, he's super hot too and is a werewolf so he probably has problems with pheromones and shit. Oh shucks again, vamp and wolf are mortal enemies?!
Bella's life is NOT normal. Twi-hards, I know you think that you should be in Bella's shoes instead and how dare they pick Kstew!, she doesn't deserve those two hotties. Most of you will never know what it's like to be wanted by someone that attractive because you are stuck at home reading about sex depraved teenagers instead of meeting people (no worries anime whores, I count myself in that group so don't feel too offended). Bella not only has 2 super hot guys, but they aren't human and their people want to destroy each other. Oh and she has social anxiety without all that shit. Watch the movies again and think about it from that perspective.
I personally still hate jacob, but only because he is so desperate and tries too hard. But never stop trying so hard on those abs. I really appreciate the commitment in acting choices when you went for those abs.
And I'll always have a special place in my heart for rpat's lips.
TEAM BELLA
LOVES AND STRUGGS
B Dann
So I saw Eclipse. Am I proud? No. In fact, I have never read the books and thought that the first two movies were comparable to sewage systems. So I went to see this movie, mostly out of a need for AC because new york decided to be hotter than balls....gay jokes aside people..., and found myself with a shocking discovery; I felt for Kristen Stewart.....what?
She's bad though...isn't she? Had I made some mistake or did she really get to my heart strings and make me think? I haven't written a post in a couple of days because I wanted to make sure that I had processed everything the right way, and it turns out I still am team Bella.
Let's look at some facts. Now I didn't read the book, but anyone who is disappointed by the fact that she is not like Bella in the book can suck it. In fact, anyone who doesn't like a movie because it's not like the book or vice a versa can also suck it....unless you're one of my family members and if that's the case the disregard that comment. But seriously, I cant remember the last time that I WATCHED a book or READ a movie, not counting foreign films or reality tv on VH1 where the provide subtitles because the women on Rock of Love have such a debased form of english that it becomes vital. My point is that the two mediums are not the same and the two shouldn't be compared.
So Kstew plays Bella a little different. I will even admit hating on her in the second movie where she is in the woods crying out for Edward and she seems about as distraught about is as someone would about loosing their least favorite pair of socks....and she sounded mildly deaf too. I was always confused as to why she played her as this kind of weak and weird girl who couldn't seem to keep her shit together.
It was her ending monologue in Eclipse that made me realize what she had been doing. *SPOILER ALERT*-really it's for all those obese anime girls in Borders that sit around talking about the mythology of Twilight who haven't seen the movie yet because their parents are religious and think the girls are too obsessed with it and will lie to mom and dad about going out for tiffany's birthday when in actuality they are going to the mall to mentally cream themselves over Robert Pattison's "Made from God's own hands" lips.....
Her speech was about why she was becoming a vamp. It was not for edward (although I would turn into anything for him) but for her; she felt strong around the vampires and new that she was a weird girl that never fit in.
Bella has social anxiety disorder. DUH! Think about it. Already awkward girl loses her mom in a nasty divorce and she ends up in Washington state in a perpetually overcast town. She's super weird and can't make friends when all of a sudden this stupidly hot guy thinks that your delicious. Oh and ps, he's a vampire so nbd or whatevs he just eats blood and doesn't age. I say eat because I think of blood being like wine which is technically food but that's for another post. So socially inept girl finds herself wanting to mac up in Rpat's business when another mythological creature decides he wants on bella's bella as well. Oh shucks, he's super hot too and is a werewolf so he probably has problems with pheromones and shit. Oh shucks again, vamp and wolf are mortal enemies?!
Bella's life is NOT normal. Twi-hards, I know you think that you should be in Bella's shoes instead and how dare they pick Kstew!, she doesn't deserve those two hotties. Most of you will never know what it's like to be wanted by someone that attractive because you are stuck at home reading about sex depraved teenagers instead of meeting people (no worries anime whores, I count myself in that group so don't feel too offended). Bella not only has 2 super hot guys, but they aren't human and their people want to destroy each other. Oh and she has social anxiety without all that shit. Watch the movies again and think about it from that perspective.
I personally still hate jacob, but only because he is so desperate and tries too hard. But never stop trying so hard on those abs. I really appreciate the commitment in acting choices when you went for those abs.
And I'll always have a special place in my heart for rpat's lips.
TEAM BELLA
LOVES AND STRUGGS
B Dann
Friday, July 2, 2010
Dear Rose - When is it my turn?
Warning: This post is really gay. Like in the red-zone Gay. Gayer than the last post...where I talked about hot gay men in NYC Pride.
This post is about the greatest piece of American Literature to ever grace human king with its presence. GYPSY!
I tried posting the following videos as links but I'm a big struggle so please open up a new tab or window so that you can copy paste....yes you have to....no....I'm not asking.....it's for your own good!
How do I know that this is the greatest single addition to life, the universe and everything? (ten points if you get the reference...and yes I'm tracking points and some of you are definitely doing better than others....I'm just saying that some could be pulling more weight than they are...) I know because, DUH, are you serious? How can this NOT be the best musical ever made? First, only Broadway divas are even allowed to entertain the idea of ever playing Rose....I mean I'm still figuring out how Tyne Daly got through. The second reason is that it's based on a true story. A crazy stage mother creates polar opposite and surprisingly famous daughters during an era when their art form was dying...and she was slutty too! The third reason is that some of the greatest musical theatre gays have had hand, both large and small...hehehe, in the making and evolving of this musical: Arthur Laurents, Stephen Sondheim, Ethel Merman (Don't even go there. You know the Merman was a total lesbot so don't even give me that "Oh my! What ever are you talking about?" look.)
The first Rose was obviously Ethel Merman. She actually originated the role in 1600....BC. She was a Seer and could see that hundreds of years in the future she would originate a role based on a real person, and become one of the most iconic characters to ever hit 42nd street....or any. Knowing this, she froze herself, much in the same fashion as fellow Seer Walt Disney....this is actually the second time he froze himself. Unfortunately, the 50's didn't have a lot of recording devices so I could only find a sound clip of her singing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rv1p1Vea0iY
Ethel stamping her vibrato on this role did a couple of things. It first proved that even the biggest bitches on Broadway had at least one role to look forward too if they became so hated that they would never get cast as anything else. It also showed the same thing for crazies. The most important thing was what it did for belters. It's shows like Gypsy that helped show the general public there were other things than legit singing, and boy am I glad she did that because I love me a diva belter just as much as the next gay.
The next Rose was one that would not normally strike me as a perfect choice...but it was. Miz Angela Lansbury graced the role in the 1970's in the first revival. Although I have not seen the full production yet (THANK YOU LINCOLN CENTER!) I have seen clips from her performance and I can say that she is brilliant! She gives a new definition to crazy that has most certainly inspired future crazies. Specifically at 5:15 but watch the hole video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhBMaWCgzRk
Next was the mistake. Although Tyne Daly was probably loved by many in her somewhat memorable show "Judging Some Bitch Named Amy". I think it just goes to show you how amazing this role is because I cannot begin to tell you what she was doing on stage, both literally and figuratively, but she still won the Tony. I bet there are even people out there who will see this and say that I am wrong and that Tyne is a good woman with a heart of gold. I would tell them they are wrong and that her name sounds like a spice or a character from the Narnia chronicles.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJM6nNMXJlc
I'm going to take this time to divulge a little. Instead of going to the next Broadway revival, I want to show two videos from the movies that were made. As far as Broadway is concerned, Tyne was style a mistake....but Rosalind Russell was just downright offensive. Her acting was just really off in general, but her singing reminded me of a deaf sheep trying to sing karaoke after having three too many shots of jaeger at her sister's bachelorette party...right after she puked on the stripper. Some of you obviously less qualified people may not know that her voice was dubbed over by Lisa kirk because her voice created a paradoxical universe wherein she blew and sucked at the same time. The first video is the dubbed version and the second is the rough and struggly version by Miss Russell herself. I think they both suck, but that might be because it's like 8 hundred keys lower than the original in both cuts. For your own health, I strongly suggest only listening to each version in small portions.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkJzUwOBayk&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYGMguS2dD8
There was another movie made in the 90's with favorite Gay Mama, Bette Midler. I will preface this by saying that I had an unhealthy obsession with Hocus Pocus growing up....I still might...but it was with a specific scene in particular that drew my attention. When Bette and the girls sing "I put a spell on you" the gay literally flew out of me. To this day I can't understand how anyone was surprised by my coming out after hearing news like this. It was a couple of years back when I had heard that Better Midler had played Rose, and the gay became a storm inside of me. It was like two gay hurricanes mashed together and made a moving starring George Clooney before he made good movies. I read up on it and saw that it had been nominated for 12 EMMY awards and that Bette had won the Golden Globe.....Golden Globes are like the prizes we used to get in cereal boxes. Eventually everyone gets one. Let me just say that it was very hard for me to keep any sort of gay crush on her after watching the movie. Although she did capture the essence of what vaudeville was about, her acting was basically her yelling at the audience for 14 hours. This is a clip of her singing at the Emmy's and it's honestly not nearly as horrifying as the movie. I could not find any clips from the movie, most likely because it burned a whole in too many people's eyes and the video had to be removed before lawsuits were filed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLbToMyrpvo
Needless to say even after seeing an icon destroy something so beautiful, I knew that the same golden light from "Lost" was in the pages of this musical. Getting back to the chronology of this "blog turned essay but still a blog because I'm writing informally", the next Rose was Betty Buckley. I have to admit that I don't know too much about this production at the Papermill, but I did watch her rendition of Rose's turn and it reaffirmed what I thought about this musical. Her voice was bangin obviously but her acting was really introspective. ROSE GOT SOME DEPTH YA'LL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28JZZLNZM_I
The last two are perhaps the most talked about divas to ever play Rose since its inception in 1600 BC by Mermantron (Did I forget to mention that she is also an Autobot?). I am of course speaking of Bernadette Peters and Patti Lupone. Many gays have quarreled over which Diva out diva'd the other, and many lives have been lost (it's ok, were like cats....in many ways). While Bernadette had the sexiness that no previous Rose could really capture, Patti had the desperation. Patti will always be Rose in my eyes because she is the only one I got to see live. And also Arthur Laurents said so and he is the bitchiest gay alive and I do not want to cross him....oh an he made the role so, like, I guess he has some say. The first is Bernadette and the second Patti. I'll let you decide.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_eD1btsIAE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYsnwawyHrc
So here we are, having seen 800 renditions of "Rose's turn", and your probably wondering why I put so much effort into this post. Two reason; I can do a mean "Rose's Turn"....in the original key...well not Ethel's key, but she did it higher than it was written so whatevs....and I am bound and determined to direct this on Broadway one day. High expectations but like I'm obvi qualified 2 do it so just tell abby to stop messin around with bobby b4 I cut her. ttyl bitch! I can't even imagine what this post would look like if it was an actual essay.
Below is a compilation of almost all of the ladies doing the monologue right before Rose's turn. I think it exemplifies how crazy they all are.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPoWMZxhJ8o
Finally, a question. Who should be the next Rose? Let's try to keep it to someone who will be age appropriate for when I am 40, so 17 years from now....omg guys I'm getting old. I'm already over 40 in gay years. And remember, she has to be a Broadway diva. Justify your answer with how she is a diva and why she deserves my attention for my Tony award winning production in 2027.
"I WAS BORN TOO SOON AND STARTED TO LATE!"
LOVES AND STRUGGS
B DANN
This post is about the greatest piece of American Literature to ever grace human king with its presence. GYPSY!
I tried posting the following videos as links but I'm a big struggle so please open up a new tab or window so that you can copy paste....yes you have to....no....I'm not asking.....it's for your own good!
How do I know that this is the greatest single addition to life, the universe and everything? (ten points if you get the reference...and yes I'm tracking points and some of you are definitely doing better than others....I'm just saying that some could be pulling more weight than they are...) I know because, DUH, are you serious? How can this NOT be the best musical ever made? First, only Broadway divas are even allowed to entertain the idea of ever playing Rose....I mean I'm still figuring out how Tyne Daly got through. The second reason is that it's based on a true story. A crazy stage mother creates polar opposite and surprisingly famous daughters during an era when their art form was dying...and she was slutty too! The third reason is that some of the greatest musical theatre gays have had hand, both large and small...hehehe, in the making and evolving of this musical: Arthur Laurents, Stephen Sondheim, Ethel Merman (Don't even go there. You know the Merman was a total lesbot so don't even give me that "Oh my! What ever are you talking about?" look.)
The first Rose was obviously Ethel Merman. She actually originated the role in 1600....BC. She was a Seer and could see that hundreds of years in the future she would originate a role based on a real person, and become one of the most iconic characters to ever hit 42nd street....or any. Knowing this, she froze herself, much in the same fashion as fellow Seer Walt Disney....this is actually the second time he froze himself. Unfortunately, the 50's didn't have a lot of recording devices so I could only find a sound clip of her singing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rv1p1Vea0iY
Ethel stamping her vibrato on this role did a couple of things. It first proved that even the biggest bitches on Broadway had at least one role to look forward too if they became so hated that they would never get cast as anything else. It also showed the same thing for crazies. The most important thing was what it did for belters. It's shows like Gypsy that helped show the general public there were other things than legit singing, and boy am I glad she did that because I love me a diva belter just as much as the next gay.
The next Rose was one that would not normally strike me as a perfect choice...but it was. Miz Angela Lansbury graced the role in the 1970's in the first revival. Although I have not seen the full production yet (THANK YOU LINCOLN CENTER!) I have seen clips from her performance and I can say that she is brilliant! She gives a new definition to crazy that has most certainly inspired future crazies. Specifically at 5:15 but watch the hole video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhBMaWCgzRk
Next was the mistake. Although Tyne Daly was probably loved by many in her somewhat memorable show "Judging Some Bitch Named Amy". I think it just goes to show you how amazing this role is because I cannot begin to tell you what she was doing on stage, both literally and figuratively, but she still won the Tony. I bet there are even people out there who will see this and say that I am wrong and that Tyne is a good woman with a heart of gold. I would tell them they are wrong and that her name sounds like a spice or a character from the Narnia chronicles.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJM6nNMXJlc
I'm going to take this time to divulge a little. Instead of going to the next Broadway revival, I want to show two videos from the movies that were made. As far as Broadway is concerned, Tyne was style a mistake....but Rosalind Russell was just downright offensive. Her acting was just really off in general, but her singing reminded me of a deaf sheep trying to sing karaoke after having three too many shots of jaeger at her sister's bachelorette party...right after she puked on the stripper. Some of you obviously less qualified people may not know that her voice was dubbed over by Lisa kirk because her voice created a paradoxical universe wherein she blew and sucked at the same time. The first video is the dubbed version and the second is the rough and struggly version by Miss Russell herself. I think they both suck, but that might be because it's like 8 hundred keys lower than the original in both cuts. For your own health, I strongly suggest only listening to each version in small portions.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkJzUwOBayk&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYGMguS2dD8
There was another movie made in the 90's with favorite Gay Mama, Bette Midler. I will preface this by saying that I had an unhealthy obsession with Hocus Pocus growing up....I still might...but it was with a specific scene in particular that drew my attention. When Bette and the girls sing "I put a spell on you" the gay literally flew out of me. To this day I can't understand how anyone was surprised by my coming out after hearing news like this. It was a couple of years back when I had heard that Better Midler had played Rose, and the gay became a storm inside of me. It was like two gay hurricanes mashed together and made a moving starring George Clooney before he made good movies. I read up on it and saw that it had been nominated for 12 EMMY awards and that Bette had won the Golden Globe.....Golden Globes are like the prizes we used to get in cereal boxes. Eventually everyone gets one. Let me just say that it was very hard for me to keep any sort of gay crush on her after watching the movie. Although she did capture the essence of what vaudeville was about, her acting was basically her yelling at the audience for 14 hours. This is a clip of her singing at the Emmy's and it's honestly not nearly as horrifying as the movie. I could not find any clips from the movie, most likely because it burned a whole in too many people's eyes and the video had to be removed before lawsuits were filed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLbToMyrpvo
Needless to say even after seeing an icon destroy something so beautiful, I knew that the same golden light from "Lost" was in the pages of this musical. Getting back to the chronology of this "blog turned essay but still a blog because I'm writing informally", the next Rose was Betty Buckley. I have to admit that I don't know too much about this production at the Papermill, but I did watch her rendition of Rose's turn and it reaffirmed what I thought about this musical. Her voice was bangin obviously but her acting was really introspective. ROSE GOT SOME DEPTH YA'LL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28JZZLNZM_I
The last two are perhaps the most talked about divas to ever play Rose since its inception in 1600 BC by Mermantron (Did I forget to mention that she is also an Autobot?). I am of course speaking of Bernadette Peters and Patti Lupone. Many gays have quarreled over which Diva out diva'd the other, and many lives have been lost (it's ok, were like cats....in many ways). While Bernadette had the sexiness that no previous Rose could really capture, Patti had the desperation. Patti will always be Rose in my eyes because she is the only one I got to see live. And also Arthur Laurents said so and he is the bitchiest gay alive and I do not want to cross him....oh an he made the role so, like, I guess he has some say. The first is Bernadette and the second Patti. I'll let you decide.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_eD1btsIAE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYsnwawyHrc
So here we are, having seen 800 renditions of "Rose's turn", and your probably wondering why I put so much effort into this post. Two reason; I can do a mean "Rose's Turn"....in the original key...well not Ethel's key, but she did it higher than it was written so whatevs....and I am bound and determined to direct this on Broadway one day. High expectations but like I'm obvi qualified 2 do it so just tell abby to stop messin around with bobby b4 I cut her. ttyl bitch! I can't even imagine what this post would look like if it was an actual essay.
Below is a compilation of almost all of the ladies doing the monologue right before Rose's turn. I think it exemplifies how crazy they all are.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPoWMZxhJ8o
Finally, a question. Who should be the next Rose? Let's try to keep it to someone who will be age appropriate for when I am 40, so 17 years from now....omg guys I'm getting old. I'm already over 40 in gay years. And remember, she has to be a Broadway diva. Justify your answer with how she is a diva and why she deserves my attention for my Tony award winning production in 2027.
"I WAS BORN TOO SOON AND STARTED TO LATE!"
LOVES AND STRUGGS
B DANN
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