First, and apology from the mezzanine. These last couple of weeks have made me take a back seat to my writing ( A seat might I add that was gotten through student rush!!!) and I want to let all seven of you know that I am back. With the holidays fast approaching and Black Friday....or as I call it "Reasons to be Pretty" Friday....PRETTY FREAKING OUT OF YOUR MIND.....ok so maybe I do dress up a little when working retail on black friday....shut up you in the corner. There is a reason you aren't seating with the rest of us.
Anyways, I've developed a complex. And not like one of those LIfetime movie complexes that Dame Elizabeth Berkley develops where she becomes a high class prostitute to feed her family because she just "CARES SO MUCH", but end up feeling worse about her self because of the demoralizing nature of her new found whoredom and can't figure out how to "get out of this rut!"....not that I've gone into great analyzation about the affects this movie has had on 40 something women trying to find purpose in this messed up crazy world of ours.....because I haven't....nope.....haven't even seen "Black WIdow"....ummm....I mean some rando movie where her whorish ways drive her to kill men...DAMMIT.
Back on track (I apologize for the pun). I have a complex, and it has been created by the 1 train. As any current and informed resident of NYC knows, the 1 has seen better days. In fact, on a frequent basis, the train just misses whole groups of stops for....well...who really knows why. They say work is being done, but every time I've had to crawl at snails pace through Columbus Circle, all I see are groups of men eating sandwiches. Kind of wish I had that job. I could be a really good Underground Sandwich Eating Director. If you paid close attention, the acronym for that is USED.....perhaps the humor is lost on you CORNER BOY!!!!
It all started about three weeks ago. Up until this point, I had been taking the NQR down to 42nd street and taking the one from there. This may seem extra lazy because I could easily be walking from the 57th street stop to my final destination on the upper westside, but as a Capitalist American I thought it was my rightful duty to be as lazy as possible. So I'm on my normal route, laughing as I walk by the troll people who live in the 42nd street station with their hordes of troll children, when I noticed something out of place. Even for 7:30 in the morning, the platform was exceptionally busy. People seemed extra sweaty as well, but I figured some biochemical virus had been released and they were slowly becoming zombies....you know....the logical reason.
Ten minutes go by. No train. I'm starting to slowly shit myself (THINK ABOUT IT...) because if this train doesn't come soon ima be late bitches!!! Finally, with what seemed like enough to to run out of the train and still glare at the hotdog vendor outside of the store who takes showers in our public sinks......the train came. Oh but it wasn't the 1, at least, it said it was a 1 but it randomly decided to run on the express track. I say express lightly because what happened next was both offensive and degrading. From 42nd street to 72nd took us 45 MINUTES!!! We were literally stopped at one point in between stations just waiting for whichever working was eating their egg sandwich to flip a switch so that we could continue. To top it off, there was a smelly smelly homeless man napping during the trip. He must have felt like a pig in shit...for a plethora of reasons.
So I haven't taken the 1 since then. It has been about three weeks now and I have to say it's getting easier every day. There are some days that I feel like biting the bullet and just going to the one, but then I check the status of the train on MTA's website and it's flashing red with the words STRUGGLESTAIN CITY on it. Every day it gets easier.
This had made me realize though that these trains, which don't directly affect any single person, greatly determine how that single person travels (not to say that said single person is seeing someone and isn't open for going on a night about town...or anything...). Over the last five years....don't even give me that musical theater glare because it is not a reference but actual FACT!!!...I have learned to rely heavily on public transportation. I will admit that the NYC system is by and large better than the jurassic failure that was the Boston metro system, but it still pains me that my life can abruptly change based on the whim of a giant speeding metal box.
The whole idea of sardining ourselves into a confined space, being forced underground to do so, only to come up from the bowels and push through the garbage of people that are going in reverse seems a little demeaning to me. We can't walk the streets because master might see us and take away our eating privileges for the day. To top it all off, we have to pay a monthly fee to be uncomfortable and listen to loud salsa music in the morning because there is a fucking band of "heterosexual" men playing guitar and shaking their surprisingly boring asses in our faces.
Chicago has an elevated train. Maybe that's why everyone is so much happier over there. Or maybe it's residual hallucinations from Cillian Murphey's poisonous gas during "Batman Begins" filming.
I love America.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
Monday, November 22, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Dear OKstupid - or Trying to be Smarter than the Average Homo
I know it's been a little too long since my last post but I apologize. I'll make it up to you real good though. Promise.
Alright LOVERS, whereyouat!?
As some of you may or may not know, but will soon know if you didn't...even if you didn't care to know before, is that I have an OKcupid, or as I rightfully call it OKstupid, account.
Don't get me wrong. It today's wild and crazy world run by super computers that live in the sky and train dragons from Mars, OKcupid actually runs pretty high on the list of semi-respectable dating facilities. Obviously some of the more popular ones include E-homophobe and J-date(it's a dating website for Jews, how cute right!?) but there are plenty of bad ones out there as well.
For instance, plenty of fish, AKA plenty of diseases and regrets, is mostly filled with mountain trolls who somehow convinced Verizon Fios that they would be an invaluable market to give the gift of Internet to. There are some OK people on there, but for the most part it's people you would expect to be the first ones eaten in zombie movies.
Then there's Ashley Madison which is for "discreet dating". In other words, you're bored with your wife because she wont pee on you during sex anymore so you find some tablecloth wearing community college student who will use you for the money you extorted. Can we all agree that this is a website for fat balding men with midlife crises?
OKcupid does a decent job, at least for most people, of finding decent to acceptable matches. I will admit, I have had some luck with this website. Every person I've gone on dates with has been normal and surprisingly non-murderous. It's getting to that point that I seem to have some trouble with.
First off, I'm not a stereotypical homo. I'm not a twink who likes getting coked out on the weekends and wakes up in the middle of Iowa after a "seriously tranny weekend biotches!" Nor am I a chiseled Adonis who spends more time working out that doing anything else considerably more important, like watching the entire Buffy the Vampire Slayer series from beginning to end (i'm on season 7....don't know what I'll do when it's over). I'm not a hipster gay, I'm not a successful 40 gay who is just starting to get gray hair because he is now fucking distinguished, I'm not even an 800 pound bear who runs a daycare center and sings show tunes at the local elks club on the weekends. No I am none of these things. So for me to capture.....the attention...of these seemingly endless amount of stupidly attractive men, I need to figure out the best way to seduce them into going on a date. I know once they meet me they'll be all like, "OMG BRYAN (I don't know why they had to misspell my name in their dialogue) you are soooooo funny and cute and smart and witty and bright and amazing and pretty and A ROBOT!!!!!!!?"
Ok well maybe not all of those things. What I seem to be getting a lot of are the rando creepy 50 year old men who live out in Jersey and are interested in meeting other "Discreet, married, or bisexual men around the same age". Bitch if you still so in the closest, why you knockin on my door? Last time I checked, I was none of those things. If however I am wrong I will issue a public apology and bring you a football because flowers would be to gay.
The rare occasion when I do have an attractive man message me, something usually falls apart. Most of the time, I'll send a message back and they just wont respond. I think that probably has something to do with the fact that I ask if I can wear them as skin but it's an honest question and I don't see the big deal. One time, I got as far as planning a date with this kindergarten teacher. Everything seemed great until he just never showed up. I text him to see where he is and he makes up some excuse about his door falling off or something.....
Because I'm a sucker I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried planning a second date, which by the way he had suggested to me because he felt bad. I wasn't being desperate and pushy. But he never got back to me. So I burned his house down.
Anyways, things just seem like they aren't working out they way they should. Sure I could go to Splash and meet some Jamaican man named Julian who either asked me to go home with him or marry him.....but I want something more than a crazy one night stand with a Jamaican man that probably would have been really good....fuck my life.
Instead, I get random Greek Gypsy ladies at the laundry mate asking how my mother is WHO THEY'VE NEVER MET!!! Or the random girl at the Duane Reade who asked me to reach for some milk duds for her because she was too short and than stalked me throughout the store telling me about the night she had planned and "how she wished she was getting beer with....i mean getting beer like me instead of these silly milk duds!"
I hate vagina. And yet somehow it seems to follow me everywhere I go. Like those beholder beasts with the one really big eye and bat wings.......wow I just really nerded out.
Oh fuck. I get it. THAT'S why I can't get a date. Thanks dungeons and dragons for RUINING MY GAY DREAMS!
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
Alright LOVERS, whereyouat!?
As some of you may or may not know, but will soon know if you didn't...even if you didn't care to know before, is that I have an OKcupid, or as I rightfully call it OKstupid, account.
Don't get me wrong. It today's wild and crazy world run by super computers that live in the sky and train dragons from Mars, OKcupid actually runs pretty high on the list of semi-respectable dating facilities. Obviously some of the more popular ones include E-homophobe and J-date(it's a dating website for Jews, how cute right!?) but there are plenty of bad ones out there as well.
For instance, plenty of fish, AKA plenty of diseases and regrets, is mostly filled with mountain trolls who somehow convinced Verizon Fios that they would be an invaluable market to give the gift of Internet to. There are some OK people on there, but for the most part it's people you would expect to be the first ones eaten in zombie movies.
Then there's Ashley Madison which is for "discreet dating". In other words, you're bored with your wife because she wont pee on you during sex anymore so you find some tablecloth wearing community college student who will use you for the money you extorted. Can we all agree that this is a website for fat balding men with midlife crises?
OKcupid does a decent job, at least for most people, of finding decent to acceptable matches. I will admit, I have had some luck with this website. Every person I've gone on dates with has been normal and surprisingly non-murderous. It's getting to that point that I seem to have some trouble with.
First off, I'm not a stereotypical homo. I'm not a twink who likes getting coked out on the weekends and wakes up in the middle of Iowa after a "seriously tranny weekend biotches!" Nor am I a chiseled Adonis who spends more time working out that doing anything else considerably more important, like watching the entire Buffy the Vampire Slayer series from beginning to end (i'm on season 7....don't know what I'll do when it's over). I'm not a hipster gay, I'm not a successful 40 gay who is just starting to get gray hair because he is now fucking distinguished, I'm not even an 800 pound bear who runs a daycare center and sings show tunes at the local elks club on the weekends. No I am none of these things. So for me to capture.....the attention...of these seemingly endless amount of stupidly attractive men, I need to figure out the best way to seduce them into going on a date. I know once they meet me they'll be all like, "OMG BRYAN (I don't know why they had to misspell my name in their dialogue) you are soooooo funny and cute and smart and witty and bright and amazing and pretty and A ROBOT!!!!!!!?"
Ok well maybe not all of those things. What I seem to be getting a lot of are the rando creepy 50 year old men who live out in Jersey and are interested in meeting other "Discreet, married, or bisexual men around the same age". Bitch if you still so in the closest, why you knockin on my door? Last time I checked, I was none of those things. If however I am wrong I will issue a public apology and bring you a football because flowers would be to gay.
The rare occasion when I do have an attractive man message me, something usually falls apart. Most of the time, I'll send a message back and they just wont respond. I think that probably has something to do with the fact that I ask if I can wear them as skin but it's an honest question and I don't see the big deal. One time, I got as far as planning a date with this kindergarten teacher. Everything seemed great until he just never showed up. I text him to see where he is and he makes up some excuse about his door falling off or something.....
Because I'm a sucker I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried planning a second date, which by the way he had suggested to me because he felt bad. I wasn't being desperate and pushy. But he never got back to me. So I burned his house down.
Anyways, things just seem like they aren't working out they way they should. Sure I could go to Splash and meet some Jamaican man named Julian who either asked me to go home with him or marry him.....but I want something more than a crazy one night stand with a Jamaican man that probably would have been really good....fuck my life.
Instead, I get random Greek Gypsy ladies at the laundry mate asking how my mother is WHO THEY'VE NEVER MET!!! Or the random girl at the Duane Reade who asked me to reach for some milk duds for her because she was too short and than stalked me throughout the store telling me about the night she had planned and "how she wished she was getting beer with....i mean getting beer like me instead of these silly milk duds!"
I hate vagina. And yet somehow it seems to follow me everywhere I go. Like those beholder beasts with the one really big eye and bat wings.......wow I just really nerded out.
Oh fuck. I get it. THAT'S why I can't get a date. Thanks dungeons and dragons for RUINING MY GAY DREAMS!
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
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