I have this problem.
It's called Acid Crotch.
Before you get all huffy and puffy at me, let me explain to you what acid crotch is.
Acid crotch is a close relative to under-boob sweat and swamp ass, though the consequences are much different. Supposedly, the derivative is from friction created between one's legs while walking, thus slowly tearing away at the fabrics of said pants.
I have theories as to how my acid crotch came to be, and most involve me being so manly that my crotch refuses to be bound by the convention of jeans. For those of you that know me, you can see why this is the only valid hypothesis.
Now I don't want people to think that I'm taking my manly percentage for granted. I know that my forest of chest hair encapsulates potential suitors from miles around. I also know that my ability to build things is comparable to breeders looking at a female counterpart's hips to see her childrearing potential. My masculine fortitude is something I am proud of.
However, acid crotch is an unfortunate and uninvited side effect, mostly because I go through jeans faster than Heidi Montag goes through bouts of plastic surgery. I just want to be able to buy a pair of pants that wont develop a man made hole on the inside right leg after 8 months. Furthermore, the specific epicenter of my acid crotch leak causes the most concern.
My mother is a professional costume designer/mother which means that she can sew holes together. But because of the placement of the hole aka on the fucking seam, it makes patching the hole nearly impossible and definitely not permanent.
Some have joked about these wholes being good for easy access....I'm sorry what? Easy access to me is that fucking pass you get at Disney World that lets you into a special fast line which basically lets you cut people. To me there is no "easy access" when it comes to....."pillow fights". My mom occasional reads this blog so I'm going to refrain from getting more detailed or vulgar.....ok so I get pretty vulgar but....yeah I get it.....ok your right I'm very vulgar and crass and old those words that my grandmother might use to describe today's youth. I was actually over you like five minutes ago so.....
Anyways, my crotch is too hot to handle.
As a gay man, it is a necessity for me to have good clothes. In general, this is a struggle for me and a whole other issue beyond acid crotch. You see, as my clothes deteriorate, either physically or within my current liking, I have no problem of getting rid of them. This first problem with this is that I am a very picky shopper so it's not easy for these items to be replaced. The other problem, and the one that really makes life difficult in general, is that I am as poor as the mouse that gets forgotten in the cast of Oliver that actually eats the crumbs he lives behind after he's asked for some more. Don't remember? That's how poor he is. So you see, as my mighty crotch spews acid onto my jeans, I must get rid of them. But because of the struggles that I live in, I can't replace them as fast as I go through them. Eventually, I will have to walk around in just my underwear, which means I'll have to have an EMT on constant watch for the people who faint, and then I'll have a whole new problem (I think the grammatical structure of that sentence is right, but camas are officially the bane of my existence).
The end result makes me feel like a bad gay. I'm afraid Liza is going to come in the middle of the night and steal my member card away. No joke, I literally only have 7 shirts and 2 pairs of jeans that I wear on rotation. If I wasn't convinced that I'm a man-fan, I would think I was a republican high school graduate about to go off to the military to SIRV MEH CUNTRY. It's not that I don't want more clothing, I just have really struggly issues and basically need to be making twice as much money to fulfill the closet needs I have.....hahaha....closet needs. Either way, I need answers to my problems.
Here are solutions I can think of.
Find a man who wants to buy me things....lots of things....I like things.
Stop eating until I can fit into Baby Gap clothes and basically buy two for the price of one
Give in and buy clothes at the Grocery Store (eww, never)
Make my own....out of the dignity that I have already lost
Steal
Find an old woman who want to buy me things. I can lead them on...it'll make them happy to give me their life insurance
Hire a pack of 3rd world countrians to make a sweat shop in my room and mass produce
Steal
Fix my Acid Crotch
The only problem with the last solution is if I'm ever in a fight to the death, I'll need that Acid to win. The other options seem sufficient though.
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
Perhaps teflon lining on the crotch of your jeans would work?
ReplyDeleteOr I am sure that you could put a pebble in your shoe and start walking all weird and bow-legged and that would solve your problem as well.
Or, just simply walk with your legs apart, thus allowing your mighty man parts to breathe as you exist.