For anyone who is paying attention, you've noticed something strikingly different about the title of this blog. Well lucky you.
I am declaring June the month in which I get a real fucking website up and make something awesome out of this. Today I am introducing you to one of THREE new varieties of entries. Although to be fair, one of the new categories will include some of my previous entries with a slight variation on the titles....so technically it will only be 50% new...kind of like buying a used car from Grandma.
This new section is called Would You Rather. Simple idea much akin to the past time game you might have played with your neighbor when you were five to trick them into showing you their hooha. And yes I did get this idea from spending a weekend in Vermont surrounded by close friends and filled with illicit substances. Two keys rules will set my version apart.
1.) The two must seem completely unrelated. No "would you rather give up your hands or your feet" shit. Mostly because it's no fun but also it will really makes for a more interesting discussion.
2.) Let's keep this possessive in reference to nouns....huh? I.E. have or not have some specific item or thing. Situational discussions won't have a lot of variables. The less specific we get the more crazy I can get. Really, that's what we want.
The reason I am starting this section is to create comedy in a space that will promote top down thinking. These two rules will allow for a global perspective on many subjects, and will in turn get your wheels cranking too.
So now for debate-city USA.
Would You Rather
Give up Cheese or Blow-jobs?
This specific debate was already discussed between 30 some odd people of varying intoxication levels during my Vermont get away. It was a riot and I had to have it be my first topic.
Lets put this first on a personal level. I fucking love both. Cheese gives me pizza and accessories for my bagel while blowjobs gives me a reason to break from talking to that guy....umm....whats his name. It also gives me a chance to receive flattering compliments (insert hair flip).
To give up one or the other would be a very tough decision. My initial reaction is to keep cheese. Cheese is a necessity for so many dishes. Nachos would just be crowded chips without their cheesy dresses. Pizza would be fried dough that was probably baked for too long and would have no gooey greatness to hide that fact. Cheesecake would be a graham cracker crust with a soup of milk and sugar. Bagels would be lonely. California rolls might actually be good....wait, that's not a reason to keep cheese.
Blow-jobs, while still having real sex, I could probably do without. The factor I have to add for myself is that this would also include no giving of blow-jobs either. Again....could probably do without.
The only good thing about blow-job giving is that it can often times replace sex. This would be a good thing if you were ever in a position where you liked someone but just really had bad gas a didn't feel like endangering their nasal cavities in the event you need to fart during sex. That can't be good for anyone.
No blow-jobs would also mean you would keep the caloric intake from cheese. I'm sorry to drop this bomb on everyone, but CHEESE IS REALLY FATTENING. I know how surprised most of you are, so please feel free to take this time and weep in the corner. Just thinking about all the cheesy products I eat, I could easily loose ten pounds. Plus, blow-jobs provide great cardio.
Let's push this further though. What if this choice affected everyone?
No Cheese would result in a near collapse for the Dairy Industry. Not Good.
Pizzaria's everywhere would have to close. Places like New York and Chicago that are known for their pizza would also have severe economic repercussions from the lake of mozzarella.
Top that with the fact that most Fast Food chains rely heavily on cheese additions to their meals. Places like Dunkin Donuts and McDonalds would suffer from the probable loss of business.
Anyone who works in factories that process cheese would go out of business. Dairy farms would loose support and funding because of the now limited product range i.e. milk and fucking butter, both of which have many successful alternatives.
On the good, no Cheese could also potentially help the environment. Several hundred less trucks would be driving every year due to there no longer being a need to transport those goods. Buildings that process most grocery cheeses would stop operating. At the same time, any green house gases or pollutants that they would have released into the air would also stop.
No blow-jobs would lead to more people having big boy sex. At first glance, this seems like a win win. "You mean I don't have to go down on stink dick AND I get to have sex? What more can I ask for?"
My rebuttal. 16 and Pregnant. If any of those bitches could have just given a blow-job instead, their lives would not be horribly manipulated my MTV. Just imagine hundreds of 16 year old girls across the globe with lots of babies. Now make them toothless (it gives more weight to the situation). Overpopulation would become a real problem in less then ten years. Mass cases of infanticide would occur from the mothers not being able to take care of them. Welfare would crash because many of these mothers wouldn't even be old enough to legally work. Poverty and homelessness would become the majority once things got out of control.
On the other side, let's say that the world had enough insight to see that a lack of blow-jobs would result in an over abundance of pregnancies and venereal diseases. Governments decide to ban all forms of sex unless completely necessary. Take something away from a person and they will do whatever they can to get it back. It would be just like Prohibition, but instead of hiding liquor from the police they would be hiding prostitutes. Human trafficking would become the new drug cartel...well, more so than it already is. At a very basic level, people would also be really pissy. Sex is a great way to relieve stress, even if it's an ugly troll beast who just wanted a taste of your popsicle.
My Result? If it's just me that is being affected, I would probably give up blow-jobs. Surprisingly, so much of my life is not centered around fellatio that I feel like I would be fine without it. Globally, I would say cheese has to go. Both would have really dire consequences, but I just don't feel like seeing a sea of trailer parks filled with 14 year old girls who wear Jessica Simpson hair extensions because they decided to buy those instead of diapers for their baby that chain smokes....crack.
What do you all think?
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
PS-Send me more suggestions for future "Would You Rather" posts.
