I've decided 2011 will be my bitch.
News came out today that astrological signs have changes. Pagan worshiping lesbians and Dungeon masters alike either squealed with excitement today or shat themselves when their loss of identity became fact.
I am a Taurus. And listen biscuits, I am always going to be a fucking Taurus. I am more stubborn than an italian grandmother at the christmas dinner table, I often interrupt people mid conversation - not because I am an asshole but because I genuinely think that what I have to say is more important....., I LOVE BEING COMFORTABLE, and I am loyal. Apparently, according to some jackass who has a PHD in blowjobs, I am no longer a Taurus but rather an Aries. Here is a blurb from some rando blog that I happened to find....five minutes ago.
"If you are an Aries, you are a natural leader. Your energy and enthusiasm are boundless, as is your physical courage---You are also known for your directness. Issues are generally black and white to you, and once you decide on something, you stick to it, proclaiming the strength of your position in no uncertain terms. This straight-to-the-point approach can be quite effective in situations like strategy meetings, where much time is lost in idle discussion, but an Arian's bluntness can often be upsetting to others, or even offensive. Tact and diplomacy are not in your nature, so smoothing over someone's hurt feelings is awkward for you."
Wait a second. I have become more blunt....maybe a little more of an asshole. Why just the other day I shot an 65 year old lady in the heart because she was standing in my way. Could it be that I have changed? In all honesty, yes, I thinks its possible. I am much more "straight-to-the-point" than I ever used to be. My friends often dread going to bad restaurants with me because I will more than likely tell the waiter everything they are doing wrong. I even got free hash browns at Dunkin Donuts in a drunken stupor because I had ordered them and he forgot to add them in. When he attempted to make me pay, I simply said no. Would a Taurus be confrontational like that?
My only issue is, and perhaps this is because I am still new to the whole Aries thing, is that I have not decided what the hell I am going to do with my life. So like, great, I can apparently stick to my guns now when making life decisions. How the eff do I make those decisions? What I decided to do was create a list of all the jobs I am qualified for so that I can narrow the search.
Lion Tamer
If those two "not gay"/"european" vegas lion tamers can do it, than I CERTAINLY CAN. I also am really good with apple computers.....
Hand Model
Ok so I dont think I have the right hands to grace the pages of Marie Claire, but jesus christmas that would be a nice job that involved no actual work. Besides the occasional hand job.
Space Invader
I've read enough science fiction novels and watched enough Wedon-made television to know how to survive out in the big black nothingness. Ultimately, I will have to find some sword or amulet to stop impeding apocalypses like once every two months. And I'll be able to wear just tight enough tan utility pants so that you cant see the outline of my mr hoo-ha but you wish you could.
Stripper
Really? You have any question as to why I would want to be a stripper. I thought it was obvious. Healthcare, hello!
Human Lie Detector
I am so close to cracking the secret to telepathy. And no I wont tell you. Not because it's a secret but because I'm a selfish bitch and want to be special.
Mirror
Lets face it. Wouldn't you rather look at me than yourself?
Glass Blower
.....teehee.
Housewife
I would make a great housewife. And you can bet your sorry ass that I WILL bury your mistress next to Madame Fluffer if she ever wears my kimono again!
Cobbler
Ok so I actually have no idea how I would even get trained in cobbling....ewww, that sounds like something British people do in their private time...nor do I think I would make a good cobbler. I love shoes though so that might be a plus.
Drug pusher
I wouldn't deal drugs. I would just provoke people into buying them.
Oprah
In my wildest dreams.
I now realize though that the very fact I haven't decided what in balls name Im going to be on top of the fact that it has taken me two years to still not have an answer.....makes me a Taurus. Merp. :(?
The one thing I do know is that I need to get a job that pays the bills because papi needs some new jeans and therapy cosmos at least once a week. All I have to do is WORK!
LOVE AND STRUGGS
B DANN
